what a weird last day or two. date with D went through after some strangeness from him and it went better too until the end when he made a joke about me paying the bill next time...ugh. such a turn off.i don't pay to date. so that killed it for me. it's hard to be a beautiful,successful woman. also had a guy from my past who took advantage of me text me.i hadn't heard from that person in years. so creepy.
-water
-mason jars
-feeling and looking more attractive today
-going to a trendy place i really wanted to go to and check out finally
-how nice the place i went to was yesterday and how nice all the staff was
-getting more instagram photo goals out of the way without even much effort
-date with D going through. him holding my hand as we walked out of the place and then kissing me on the street before i went into cab and he left. it was very public and made me feel awkward actually even though i like pda but the kissing made me worry we were annoying people since we were right in front of things and i worried in people's way. all the eye contact D made with me and staring though it makes me very uncomfortable and i'm thinking it's part a power move. how take control he was walking and crouching down to the side of me before he went to the bathroom telling me he wanted to kiss him. that he again didn't try to get me to go home with him or make the slightest implication of it and just wanted me to kiss him and to hold my hand. it's extremely unusual for me. a innuedo moment between us that was like in a movie of one of those almost happened moments and tension where you look back and your like did that just almost happen and what was that, like in a sitcom such as who's the boss or romantic comedy it was this:we were talking about multi dating and i told him i had thought me and him had a connection and were building a connection and he got eager and his eyes lit up as he excitedly asked do i feel a connection with him.a few sentences later,i then say what if i was starting to feel this connection with you and it felt so good then boom you end up in a relationship with someone else and he said that's why you talk to me and you tell me these things and then we have a conversation and we make it official. so,that right there. were we about to enter a relationship right that moment ? looks like it in hindsight. i love how cinematic life can be. i like that he seems to think i'm cutesy. and that he has a paternal vibe,our involvement with each other,like i'm a child. it sometimes seems like he is training me and educating me. lol.it came up once about me saying i told friends about something and they agreed and he asked if i'm talking s--- about him and he looked at me intently and kept asking while i kinda drifted my eyes and didn't answer and how another moment him saying i hurt him alot and he explained one thing and stared at me trying to explain he was staring me down like i was child and how what i did was wrong and why and i kinda looked at him rounding my eyes innocent at him. he also kept noticing my body language and asking why i'm so closed off and trying to make me make eye contact with him and grabbing my face gently a few times to try and do so.i like how one moment he said i said the word multi like this girl in this popular movie and just him noticing a detail of me and associating it with something was cute,it sounds like something you do when you are in love or have deep feelings.i like that he took control and ordered for me and that he really wanted to hold my hand and how he put his hand out for me when we left to grab it and while in the place when we held hands he didn't want to let it go.i like how sexy his eyes are and how genuine his smile is when he smiles at me like he's really happy with me.i don't like that after all this time of me hinting at what i expect about chivalry,etc that he made a joke at the end about me picking up the tab next time and said how expensive the tab was when it wasn't and he ordered more then me.i hope it was a joke because his voice tone sounded like he was kidding and he stared at me while he said it like he was testing me.i think he did it because i didn't do a hand reach to at least offer but i don't do that because it feels fake.i just looked back confidently and said ok because i was caught off guard but i don't pay to date. he replied back saying he was surprised i said that and said he thought i'd say what next date. so,he was testing me in something. he also tested me in other things that night,too. showing me a picture on his phone of something personal and sexual that i know is testing me based on certain things. how much he knows about me that i didn't even tell him based on things he brings up and says he knows so he's been studying me,which is fine,i just wonder to what extent.i still feel there is something missing,too with this.i have no doubt in my mind he has studied the heck out of me and caters his responses and what he says to me based on that.i like that he says he thinking about going back to school next year but is that influenced at all by me saying i like ambitious or something hidden,him knowing something he shouldn't,i wonder? because,that would explain his mood swings this week,too. it's so hard to say.i am going to ask God to help bring to light things about D i should know that feel to be missing. if the tarot is accurate,it is revealing there is deceit going on and the deceit i suspect falls in the voyeurism category.i also didn't like that i suspect he found our server to be attractive. women can read energy and i know lots of attractive guys who can seem easily unphased by a pretty girl but with him although he didn't do anything,i just got a vibe. he's been minimal in texts to me since last night. since he made that joke about the tab,shortly after during when he we were talking about a connection and that moment he kept repeatedly asking when can he see me again and i said february,or march,or april maybe trying to say not anytime soon. that was my way of getting back at him for the joke about me picking up the tab next time.i did get a notification that was interesting on my phone though this morning that said he liked my check in on the social places app i have of where we were at. that was interesting because it's the first time he's done that and it was like he was saying i see your check in's on here and have been.i wasn't sure he even did so that confirms he has been. and that was what led us to first talk to each other was back last august when my phone bugged out and liked a bunch of his check-ins on accident, that is when he a month and half later started chatting me on facebook.so serendipity. although,now i know even more we can't work and are incompatible,seeing he did that,i decided to follow him on twitter from my business's page since i lurk his twitter enough anyways and we both have crossed so many lines by now with each other and said things we shouldn't,i just don't care if it looks like too much on my part which i don't think it does
-animals and how sweet and innocent they are
-getting groceries today
-getting some new makeup today. found some amazing cheap deals on new things to try
-finding amazing indian food i can get from the grocery store and make at home. i'm in food heaven. indian food is my favorite ethnic cusine.
-my outfit last night and how great i am with fashion and style
-my curvy backside that i know makes men happy to check out
-how younger my face is looking again and prettier,and that going slightly lighter on makeup is benefiting me
-that i come off as high end even though i don't feel that way. it comes off without trying. D has said and done several things implying he feels inferior from staring at my purse like he assumes i must be rich because of it,to the things i do for fun,to other comments
-colors
-art
-nice places
-filters and mobile photo editing apps
-work things coming together
-breaks
-amazing interesting blogs that have many things i love combined into one!
-appreciations
-everytime D hurts me or angers me,i feel inspired to do something constructive to better myself
-that not a single person thinks D is good for me,and that business partner doesn't like him and she likes everyone i like so that's something. she said he reminds me or shady ex friends. i'm not happy people don't like him,i'm just happy im not crazy in what i think
-finding out more about D such as him admitting he wasn't ready to date in october and he didn't even know he wasn't ready and he wasn't emotionally available. i like that he thinks that. though,sometimes it makes me wonder how he says exactly what i want to hear..how is he knowing that
-good sleep last night
-vodka
-dim lighting which makes things cozier
-with D being so weird before our date to the point that i wasnt sure if he was going to flake on me,i decided to text friends which felt good. just putting myself out there. it's made me more confident.
-heart warming videos
-evolving
-taking breaks so i can be more productive when i do things
-coffee
-how tall i am
-learning people and discovering them. it's an interesting thing. you have one idea of someone and then you learn then and unfold who they really are behind the image and facade they project. it's an interesting things really. i enjoy it.
-getting more pea protein bought for me
-feeling attractive today
-how everything with D feels like it's happened before. how before me and him ever first chatted,i remember a compulsion to check his facebook sometimes and i never knew why.i thought it boredom and that he projected an image that drew attention but in fact,more likely,maybe he had a crush or obsession on me from afar and that social check in glitch made him feel confident enough to do something and maybe that's why he likes me so much,though i also know certain things mean nothing,because he adds people from his facebook to everything it seems and may even be a bit of a female collector slightly
-learning more about what i do want from all this D mess
-having things to look forward to
-healing and wellness
-forgiveness
-subjective reality
-all the yoga and meditating i will do tonight
-feeling my feelings
-my power
-how reasonable best friend has been with me lately
-being a woman
-attractive guys
-my confidence when i am confident
-the opportunities and potential available to me
-when guys are charming and nice and treat you right. the bad guys make me look back at the good guys more fondly
-that one can always improve upon oneself
-night skies
-techno music
-dancing
-my sex appeal
-being social
Reply With Quote
first time i felt judged by him.
Bookmarks