-how amazing i feel right now after realizing things and getting more clarity and getting back to myself little by little and healing little by little and learning and affirming things that bring me back to me by stepping out and trying things. love it.
-deleting my fake okcupid profile today. it just hit me like ok,you had decided to only join for a day to get some info and learn and now it's been two days and it is killing your time and you've learned all you had to learn and any longer you stay on is just making you a weirdo and is no longer useful so i knew it was time to go and deleted it. there was nothing i could get out of staying so deleted both profiles.i learned online dating is not for me and that it's mostly the kind of people looks wise and personality wise i wouldn't want to meet. i learned the girls on there arent that great of catches and that the men are hardly getting any opportunities.i learned that for me authentically meeting people in real life is the only way to go. online dating is just too cheesy for me.
-after that i got more and more curious about tinder. i thought i want to meet more people. this is a desire of mine and i felt drawn to join tinder,but didnt know why.i felt like it wouldn't be so bad and since it's like a game it could be fun and efficient and just part of keeping up with technology so started with a fake profile. it was depressing. it wasnt fun. it was boring. and mind numbing. all the guys were douchey and so i looked for women too to see what men are seeing. nothing to worry about there.i messaged with one person who seemed ok and he made it seem multi dating is a common thing and also confirmed most guys don't have more happen then a few messages back and forth.i started saying to the person that i like the magic of meeting someone organically and felt myself sad as i said this wondering what am i doing on here. it wasnt making me feel better.i thought about what am iwanting. do i want to just go on a bunch of "dates" with random people i chat with? no.i don't want to take away the magic of dating and meeting people that i feel. from how i met B and how magical that felt.that wouldn't happen meeting someone on tinder. but,still i thought it'd be fun to see friends on here and iwasnt so i finally thought,ok,maybe i need to just join tinder as me to see once and for all what matches it shows me and maybe i'll get better ones since it pulls from facebook info so then i'd meet more people like me. fail.in two minutes,i deleted my tinder. it was so awkward. it culled my photos and info right away before i got a chance to choose more snapshot-y pics and it made me look like a famous person on tinder. it was still showing me douche-y looking men.and,i just realized,as conceited as it sounds,people like me don't join tinder. even if i did put a snapshot up,it'd be too desperate. only my 9-5er friends seem to be on tinder based on conversations i've had anyways. leave tinder or them. for what i do for a living,and how i look,it just looked really awkward for me to be on tinder,and affirmed things for me in a good way such as my attractiveness and status and that again I don't need to worry so much about B or other guys moving on quickly from me,i am a great catch and these guys can go on all the dating sites and apps they want,most of them are still hardly getting dates.i realize now that maybe i needed to do this. with all the talk of tinder in the last year from people and then D making it on my mind more worrying about it being very vile and then even B doing okcupid before and all this stuff,i think my mind needed to know how these things actually work from the inside out,and it made me a lot calmer,more confident,and less jealous and seeing these things as less of a big deal.i have more of an understanding of them now. i just don't see them as a big deal. it's funny life can open up so many avenues to us and we can still be lonely and still the universe will bring us magical people when the time is right. sometimes you do need to open yourself up to new things you may think you don't like,and other times,you may see you were right all along.i can understand why some would use those sites but i think one blessing in my life is i don't need to. this really really helped me a lot. it affirmed so much for me including that i don't need to go and try and find others to pursue me,or that i'm so easily replaceable because people like B and D use things like that.i just need to be myself,work on myself,and trust in myself,and the magic of life of bringing me people in the right time for me.i still don't know exactly how i'll satiate my desire to meet more people,since that was a desire of mine today and yesterday and the day before with doing this as well.i did want to meet more people in general such as friends but now i don't even care about that.i trust that as long as i work on myself the opportunities for friendship and putting me in the place of people will come and new solutions for me to better my life will come. i'm grateful for all of this. we should keep trying things to expand ourselves and not be afraid to say well that particular action/method is not for me.i'm glad i didnt lower myself to have profiles on these sites. it would've been below my standards for me.
-protein water
-going to my first vegan restaurant today.i hadn't been to one yet in the 8 months i've been vegan and today i finally did. i'm glad i did that finally. grateful for trying a vegan cupcake for the first time and also the meatball sub was sooo good.was grateful to go out and go somewhere too since it's a saturday night which is usually date night for me and B and now B is having a b-day party and not speaking to me
-instagram. an app i do like! and,putting a new picture up on there tonight so if B is lurking me,he'll see i'm living life still too which tarot seemed to hint at i should do
-dreaming about B. i don't remember what about,it was mundane and lucid but everytime someone is in my dream ifeel they're about to manifest or close to me on a psychic level at the moment
-talking with best friend and realizing more i think B is mad and wanting me to hurt based on his actions because he is acting in a way that is angry not just a way of being done with someone. also,realizing with his actions that he may have been using things against me i told him such as knowing i am sensitive about being called crazy because of D and me mentioning how i just drop people(i remember him randomly saying he cant just drop his friends when i never said he should) and him taking it wrong and now dropping me like nothing using me telling him i do that against me not to mention his facebook actions when he knows i've brought up facebook things before with D and with him. i know he paid attention to me with things and used that to understand me and ease me and make things work with me,and now he's used things against me to hurt me. but,why? if you done with someone,wouldn't you feel guilty and not want them to hurt? he's clearly angry and affected by me and wanting to punish me.
-all the aquarius astrology info online which has helped me feel better and understand B more and made sense
-telling myself today would be 20% better then yesterday and it has been and that the day after would be more better and monday even more,each day building up getting amazing.
-candy
-almond milk in my bitter coffee to sweeten it up
-being easy on myself but taking myself out of the apathy and laziness from B stuff little by little.
-my unique personality
-all the cool neighborhoods in my city
-remembering i had said to friend and to myself how i had wanted some me time,and girl time and just social time with rushing to B right after D and never got that and now i do have that and i am enjoying that a little. the positive side of all this.i can get back to me a little. i miss nonstop dates but it's only been on week.i can have that again very quickly.
-quiet time and non distraction so i can heal.
-stylish music
-knowing i have soo much going for me.i will be ok.
-knowing i always win it,when someone messes with me,so it'll be all good
-remembering the importance of getting back on the meditating,exercising,affirming route.i got lazy and apathetic but that cant go on any further
-enjoying the little bit of madness that is me
-detaching from negative assuming
-all my viewpoints,opinions,and learning i want to express
-laughing at how silly everyone is really,despite the image they try to express to the world. we all are so imperfect
-being a woman
-knowing all will be ok,even if i don't know what the next page holds.
-body oil gel and how great it makes my skin feel and look
-being able to find and see purpose in meaning in each day,and each week and see the positive
-the potential for amazing to come
-just knowing this month will be great,even if it did start off quite bad
-best friend saying he had actually been looking forward to our plans today
-fake friend request still hasn't been updated since i denied proving to me more that it's B which is also creeps me out considering the effort put into it was more then two minutes. what is he up to.
-being a cool person.
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