GRATITUDE LIST

[buttercup]

-animal activists
-water,and all the extra water i'm drinking lately. been upping it from 3 liters a day to going for 4-5 liters
-veganism and the vegan community
-agreeing to go out with me ex A this weekend. i kinda have wanted to and felt i may as well since once may hits,who knows where life will go. and funny enough he suggested a place that has a tarot theme liquor menu(i googled the place and seen this)
-lol. very funny and serendipitious since i've been so into tarot art and symbolism lately and just recently gave up doing readings(he has no idea about any of this)
-dying my shirt today. glad to get that done. so far,looks much better,but haven't seen it dried yet.
-my lip shape being fuller
-workouts becoming more fun again on my new plan
-moving on from E. Even though i realized my feelings,i'm also balanced too and rational and realizing he isn't contacting so no point in feeling hurt or longing by his behaviors or idealizing and instead focusing on my goals and making myself happy. the tarot certaintely blocked me from this,and now i can see things much more clearly again.i feel very content with whatever happens,happens with me and E now. I do miss him a little,but not going to make him my world in my mind
-trendy vegan place ideas for while on upcoming business trip that i got from watching vlogger's video channel
-how round and in shape my backside is
-how sculpted my back has gotten. it has the line down the middle of it,my back seems to have always been my strongest,easiest to get in shape body part for some reason
-the sun
-clarity
-how delicious water tastes,it just tastes so good. it's like working out,the more you do,the more of it you want to do. same with water drinking.
-how shiny my hair is
-being in an overall good mood today
-simplicity
-waking up earlier today
-the internet
-inspiration

[buttercup]

-realizing i really,really need to get back on track with meditating. i've slacked off quite a bit on it and my ocd mind has been going a little worse and of course,i know why. what haven't i done much of? meditating. however,i'm four,i believe it is,days strong on no tarot,and so am giving myself leniancy on things as long as i don't go and do that.i still have slight urges to go to it,when i have certain questions in my mind,afterall i've been doing tarot regularly for about SIX months now before i had quit.i don't think i've gone more then a week without it,since then. so,if i'm a little lazier,or distracting myself with other not so productive things,i'm ok with that for now,but starting tomorrow,i intend to get back on track even more and do more meditating.
-protein water. even though i'm giving that up to clean up my diet even more,as i realize i really don't need the water.
-california inspirations. i realize places like california are all about slowing down,yet somehow getting it all done,and that is exactly my vibe.
-fashion magazines from all over the world and being inspired by middle eastern beauty and makeup and argentenian and brazilian,and portugal fashions,and middle east fashions,too
-being honest with myself that ok,i really need to get it together. today was not my day,from spilling and making more of a mess in my home with spilling coffee,and feeling pms-y and just wanting cuddles and feeling needy and lazy,i felt like a little child. as soon as i spilled the coffee,it killed my mood for the day and just sort of depressed me,on top of that,my monkey mind going a little nuts today. mind wanders to the most bizarre phobias. i also wasn't ideal with my diet,as someone had brought me a tall coca cola,and i drank it all.i also am feeling like a lady of leisure lately,and it's making me feel like i need to do more. on one hand,i have the desires,and dreams but do feel blockages and sort of mentally disorganized a little.i should also be using my circumstances i've been given to think more about what to do,and take actions. so many others seem to do so much in their day to day lives compared to me,and then i feel like i do so little,which makes me feel like crap.i guess i do feel a bit stuck in some areas of life.
-i was offered a job today from one of things i used to do,which was nice,actually even though i quit doing those because too much b.s and not enough pay,i'd still possibly consider doing one if i was offered. i'm just not going to go out of my way for it anymore. couldn't do this one because i was out of town. the other thing i realized,is because of the circumstances i've been given,i can focus on only taking the most top of the tier of those kind of jobs,and from that focus by not even bothering with the other ones,maybe i'll actually get them. i've seen this advice before,with career things,so who knows maybe by not having the worry i used to have about medium-range of those jobs,i'll attract higher end ones.
-actually kind of appreciating things with E as they are right now. it sounds nuts,but somehow it feels like it's supposed to be this way,and like deep,deep down inside back in march,i knew this,that we'd not see each other for awhile. it's so freaking weird to me how if you really pay attention,you kind of know.i also realize i kind of like the telepathic unspoken going on right now,and feel like that is sort of sorting itself out,right now..from moments of being annoyed to him,to others of wondering what he'd think of something,to sort of sweet almost swoon-y moments thinking of him. he's actually in my mind less,but he is there,and one thing i've realized since the lunar eclipse E epiphanies is that,he had been in my mind a whole lot more then i had realized ever since me and him met. Weird. We must telepathically chat quite a bit. Lol. But,yeah,i realize i'm really afraid of losing him,and so if i can space out when we next see each other,it's better because then it keeps things from going too intense leading to the typical thing of something happening,and then it ending,and boom,gone. Maybe he'd be different. One sweet thing he said that night we kissed is he'd never do what B did,and i believed him,it's not his energy,his way to do that. It's funny i don't even really know him that well,yet fear losing him,but i think it's also partially that he gives me an attachment to something from the past,a time frame,and it'd be sad to lose that. He is in a sense,like my female friend A,who i kicked out of my life the same year me and him met. It's like he filled her void. They are similar in some ways,and i felt with her like i never really was close to her,even though we hung out,and stuff,it was odd. There's just some people i feel close to,and get close to and others,not so much. I still find it so weird,how all i need to do is get in the right frame of mind,and as long as i'm not ocd biased on something i can have answers super quick. i'm pretty claircognizant. it's only areas of trauma or grief,i can't use that trick for,yet.
-how thin and sculpted my stomach looked today
-my best friend and how amazing he is
-vinyasa yoga
-how sculpted my back is getting
-how curvy,round and shapely my backside is,and how much tighter it is getting
-people with clean,kind,and high vibration energy
-my energy becoming more clean,more kind,and more high vibration
-this forum,and being able to do my gratitude list on here. besides,reminding myself what has gone good for the day,and what i can focus on that is good,down to the little things,it's a nice chance to reflect on things a smidge,too
-the nightskies
-getting new instagram pic posted today and getting a lot of comments,and likes,and doing a seo boost right after since it's a high end pic and if certain people happened to see it,i'd want it to look really good
-peaceful sounds of the outside at night.
-realizing me and A,my ex,can take more pics this weeknd,since i don't really have many,and not a single one of us together i actually like. i've also learned,too,to not fuss about perfect pics with ones you adore,since,amazingly,we tend to miss pics of the best things,sometimes,and in pics,with life,pics only show fragments,and maybe it's better that way anyways. in the old days,people used to have like one pic of someone and they'd love it and look at it all the time,and it was precious. as many pics as i had thought i'd taken of my fur angel throughout the years,i now find myself sad,feeling like what happened,i feel i not took many at all,i wish i had taken so many more,but maybe that's grief and just a natural feeling. also,the good thing is,with creativity and technology,cool things can be created anyways,and you can find a way that is authentic to express to you,and your story knowing that even the imperfections,mistakes,losses,and so on,are part of the unique life painting that is your story and beautiful.
-all the inspiration lately. just watching this vegan yogi in l.a's youtube channel has really inspired me too. she's much older then me and looks amazing for her age,it inspires me to better myself,and how we really can look younger,for longer. luckily,i already do a lot of things that keep me looking young for my age,but i do see more i can do,for example stressing less.
-how hard my nails feel
-how i've basically managed to up my grams of protein per day to approximately 50 where it's now really easy to do,natural,and doesn't take much effort. just 3 months or so ago,i found it a little more of an effort,so i'm happy for that little that's changed. i'm also sure my body has been tighter because of that. and,i can now drop the protein waters and see what happens since i think i've got a handle on how i can easily reach my goals without that junk.
-my lips becoming poutier looking and jaw changing i think for the better from facial exercises.i seem to be re-aligning so that is nice
-my beautiful apartment. it actually is really beautiful.i gushed over it back when i first moved here,and it actually is a really nice place. it would've been so nice if my loved one who had left this physical reality before i moved could have made it here with me.
-metaphysical ponderings about sleep,dreams,physical reality,parallel realities,death and the connection between all those things.more,and more when i go to sleep and awake,that is on my mind. one recent thought was,what if every time i wake up,it's another version of me dying? and,what if death really will be like just waking up from sleep? and,even that,subtle,too not just this intense feeling like society makes it believe,but really subtle like awakening? that might be nicer actually. what if death isn't this big scary change feeling but instead is just entering another reality like a parallel reality,where you barely feel a difference? as i've been saying i believe,that there is no death,maybe that is true even more literally then i had thought,maybe it's like going to sleep and waking up and you don't even really notice a difference? and,then the other night,in quiet time,my imagination was overflowing and i imagined myself having a near death experience(for some reason i was in a princess costume during)and i had died basically and my beautiful lost loved one appeared,and i was so happy to see her,it was such ecstacy,and a dream come true that i lost track of time,time became nontime,as i experienced bliss unlike any i ever have,and my so happy i could cry,and euphoria that just is indecscriable,that time just disappeared and then she answered questions for me about things about why death happens and she said,death is just a change,comparing it to relationships that are romantic and how those end to teach us detachment and prepare us for bigger deaths and that,that kind of heartbreak is like a little death,and mastering detachment is mastering change,and mastering the fear of death,because change is constant and going with the flow is vital. and she said the reason why death happens,and she died,is because on some level,we DO want it,because we then get to experience the joy of reuniting and walking back to the reunion,and to just think about how joyful i felt when i seen her,and that did i know a whole hour had passed while my heart chakra rose out of my body with bliss,as tears sprung from my eyes. without death,and the pain of that,we don't get the joy of the reunion,and so that's why we create those darker things. it made so much sense. the joy of reuniting with a lost lover,is always such a good feeling,but imagine the feeling of reuniting with a lost loved one? how intense that is? i can kind of see some truth to the law of polarity and how it's needed with the law of attraction. and how it sort of creates desire,or creates with it. i prefer the abraham term of contrast actually because they explain it in a way that makes more sense to me but this is profound. contrast creates desire. so many,thoughts,but i'm going on and not sure they're all making sense. this list has taken longer then intended

[buttercup]

-water
-detoxing.
-body flaws disappearing. all it takes is a few days sometimes,and i'll notice body flaws drastically reduced based on what i've been doing. still observing what it is that does that exactly,since it can literally transform so quick. so far,body tightening workouts that are consistent and drinking a TON of water,seem to be the magic trick. like,not just 3 liters,but 4-5. this seems to be the magic number for me. even not getting in my usual water yesterday,and drinking all that soda,and today i still have the transformation,because one off day isn't going to make a huge difference and is showing efforts from days before. so,i'm going to continue to aim for 4-5 a day now,because i cannot for the life of me figure out what else could have changed in the last week or so,besides slight diet clean up,but it was so slight.
-stomach being nice and flat
-how tight my body is and sculpted. back is super sculpted and has a line down the middle of it,and venus dimples,backside is tighter and nice shaped,legs are sculpted,and body flaws just drastically reduced. my shoulders feel stronger and my back feels amazing,strong,and open.
-using tonight to get back on track with meditating since i have the time,so may as well. today,i had itchy eyes and stress in my vibration from work things,so am looking forward to clearing some energy and raising my vibration which is perfect timing so i can be really open and high vibe right before trip.
-more reflections on E.i feel this is just things getting sorted out,internally and on unspoken realm..like the aligning. i just again had intense sexual thoughts about him,idk why but with him he is one of those that i get very very strong sexual feelings towards,which makes me think the sexual tension all the times we hung out must've been some very very repressed energy,or something,i am not sure,or maybe i'm just having the energy from him all this time being sent to me now.i have no idea. sexual energy is an interesting thing i'm still observing and learning. then on and off i've been reflecting with new eyes,that geez is our friendship really over? are we really never going to hang out like we did last year? it just hit me like intuition and made me sad because logically,it's been a really long time since we seen each other. last year was a certain so often,and this year there has been much more spaces. it's like last july really changed things,whatever the heck exactly happened last july.i was wondering about,that too since that was really when we first stopped speaking. i feel intutitively yes,we will see each other again,our friendship is not over. there is still a lot to come with me and him. that is what i feel. it's just a mystery exactly what's next or what will play out and it does make me sad because logically,i can't see how we will ever be the same as friends because how you can go from hanging out ever certain so often,to such gaps,to being integrated again,like how it was. i just can't logically see it,and it makes me sad,because now i miss that.i always take things for granted,but i had not wanted him gone forever,i just needed a break last summer. he never gave up on me,though completely,he still invited me out in fall once,and then his thing in winter,but still. so much doesn't make sense too.all i can think is he must like me a lot more then i realized because of his behaviors of certain things compared to others,like why does he seem so much harsher to me like i'm so much less important,and less great? it hurts me. so either,i am someone he doesn't like as much but just likes me for looks and so tolerates me in doses but then gets fed up with me or he likes me a lot,a lot,like love and so gets more hurt by me and treats me harsher. one thing for sure,is i want answers so i'm setting the intention that whatever happens,i get more answers when things manifest not just things happening. all i know at this point,is that E has liked me this whole time. from his behaviors,i know he thinks a lot more then i realize,and is very indirect,and plays games. realizing how he had nerve to contact B while we dated when he never does,and actually observes things a lot more then irealize. maybe he is in love with me. he sure does swing back to seemed annoyed by me and seeming sweet on me throughout the friendship.i'm just hurt. how did things become such a mess? i had thought i had a friend and now look where things are. months of not speaking last summer and fall to craziness of me meeting b then him kissing me and now here we are again,almost two months since we seen each other,which isn't super long,but it's getting there. i'm not even super annoyed by the time,since from an loa point of view,i can see why it's happening and that i wanted to focus on me for awhile and my goals but it's the what am i,where do i really fit part of it,which is stupid since E being the sweet one he is i think doing this on purpose said early in the night the night we kissed,when we seen our friend A that he hadn't seen him in four months(the same amount of time it had been before me and E had seen each other once i had been to his party in Dec after that time gap of us not hanging out,so i know E is one of those types to go awhile without seeing certain people,i think it just bothers me because in the past when i go from hanging out with someone and then it lessens,it only tends to lessen more and more until i only see them once in a rare while,but life can change at any moment,can't expect all patterns to always stick.i think it just used to be i hung out with E,and he's a friend and i'm hanging out. but then it lessened,and i had some feelings on that,but was like well i've been busy,it was my fault,and E and i are friends but not like super close friends,and now i'm like what am ireally? was i just a hot girl he invited out because of my looks and someone he was pursuing. did all his friends know this? i don't think they all did,but still,it's just very bizarre. i can see now times,where he did things to get back at me. and some freaky things where it's like i changed realities,from how perceptions changed,that's how eerie it all is. maybe he is one of those guys who when he sees a girl with a new guy,he goes crazier and goes for her more,too,who knows.i clearly want more answers. meh. hopefully,in may i get them.
-friend from the past K contacting me to hang out
-nice warm showers
-clean towels
-lavender oil.love this so much
-my best friend and how amazing it is
-looking forward to my plans tomorrow. it'll be good to do something social actually. it's been so long,i've been such a damn hermit because of various going ons.
-ideas
-my creativity
-that i don't have my time of the month yet. hoping to not get it until at least sunday. think i should pull it off.
-my eyeglasses
-the peaceful sounds of the outside,cars driving by,etc
-how beautiful the sky is at night
-veganism
-realizing that where i'm at now,i actually would want a guy to be on the path of a plant based diet,if not on one,and that if he wasn't,i probably would try to encourage it. back last summer,i thought for sure,i could care less and would date a meat eater,and still would but now i've found that 1.)D was the first guy while a vegan that i was talking to romantically and found myself trying to convert him a little to at least be a vegetarian. idk why,and it just came natural. 2.)i already been converting my best friend,and others since last summer. 3.) i've found guys actually are without me even attempting to do anything very accepting of my diet,and even suggesting things to me,like how B suggested vegan sushi place for a date. so,basically,i really believe veganism is the future,and animal products are gross so naturally,i probably will be nitpicky about diet in a guy. i already been thinking about my ex i'm seeing this weekend and how much meat he eats,and how i'd like him to change his diet and i think,possibly,E may be a vegetarian..not sure,just a feeling i get.
-how much more peaceful the apartment feels when the door is open
-cleaning the bathroom last night,and the whoa amount of cleared energy i felt instantly once i cleaned the mirror. i must be really in tune with energy because that was quick that i just felt more clarity. it fascinated me.
-feeling better about the coffee spill from yesterday
-apartment possibilities that are exciting for when i move. it's looking more and more like a tiny studio in a trendy neighborhood may be what's next. i'm excited for that experience.i think it'd be kind of fun to have a tiny apartment for awhile.
-clarity
-innovation
-my style transformation. shopping at new types of boutiques to add different energy and style to me and transform more.
-tea tree oil. like this so much more for healing blemishes,it's natural,and doesn't test on animals!

[buttercup]

-going out last night. it was JUST what i needed to make me feel moved forward and i think what had been causing me to feel so crazy with my thoughts lately is just how cooped up i've been.
-how amazingly me and my ex A were REALLY in sync with each other in alignment. It was crazy. For the first time since we have broken up and i'd moved on,i could actually picture myself possibly in a relationship with him.We were even naturally mimicing each other's movements. He's so mature and non sexist and really appreciates how humble i am and was suggesting all these things he wants us to do,like take me to dinner,and brunch,and meeting his friends and he had said he wants a relationship with someone like me saying someone who's seen him change over the last years and that he's seen me change,implying me since we had mentioned that how we've seen each other change throughout the years and talked about it. he even said who knows maybe we'll end up together. and he talked about an ex of his,that everyone says is perfect for him,and that loves him,but he just doesn't feel it for her,which was very interesting to me. We were very very in sync with each other's values about things we talked about,and him understanding me,and me understanding him,in a way unlike the previous times we've gotten together after splitting.i really really credit this to the loving myself things i've been doing.i like that's he's a provider type,and always pays for all things,and even says he does that for all his people,and that he drove me home in the morning,and that there was no weird,and is never any weird will i be expected to chip in crap.he had also said something along the lines implying he likes that i'm not a type of girl to try and use a guy for money,and i think that makes him want to take me out even more when i'd suggest coffee sometime,he'd say brunch,and say he wants to take me to dinner,and ask if i'm hungry,etc,etc. he also said if we were serious with each other,he'd consider going vegetarian which is something i like now in a guy i've realized in the last months,so that was very nice. he also was very physically attractive to me,and for the first time,didn't really annoy me that much,we were just very in sync,it was quite interesting. he just seemed more..different,idk how or what.i want to say more genuine,maybe? he also was very respectful of my morals and was ok if we didn't have sex. he seemed more to just want me there to hold. i like also how he held me when we walked out of his apartment around the stomach and then holding my arm old fashioned style as we walked to his car. it went pretty nice,a few awkwardnesses that i want to improve on about certain things on my end,but he just seemed changed,i think maybe the inner work i've been doing too,it's like we've evolved to align up to each other.it's quite cool.
-that he tagged me on facebook that we were out.idk why he did,he did it on his own,but i like that he did. it seems like a couple-y thing to do,kind of,though. maybe he is trying to show something to people,idk.
-this girl tagging me that i'm hawaii at a resort with her the other day.idk why she did that,maybe she is just thinking of me,but it made me giggle.
-realizing some of the flaws i'm insecure about are actually stretch marks which is another issue entirely,so that's good to know so i can think differently and realizing one issue is less then i thought
-buying vitamin e vitamins today. it's one vitamin i've been looking to work on getting more of so happy about that
-masculine guys who aren't sexist,respect your morals,provide for you,and don't go icked out by sex during that time of the month.
-getting more makeup today and beauty products. didn't find ideal product i wanted,but some others that i am hoping will suffice.
-getting groceries today
-getting an out coffee today.
-getting a soda in the morning when i got home down the block from me. so needed after a night of cocktails,always.
-uber. so much better then cabs.so much cheaper,too. so glad to start using uber more to get to things. way convenient.
-music
-fun
-empathy
-cute,and happy things
-my eyes,and how large and wide they are
-all the upcoming business trip offers coming in still
-my backside being very curvy and round which i know is very sexy
-my strength. it's one of the things my ex A really admires about me is how strong i am,and how much more confident i've become. he loves how much more i look in his eyes now compared to before when we were a couple years ago,i was much shyer.i feel very sexy being complimented on my inner beauty qualities
-the nice long nap i took today.
-the beautiful springtime feel today. how fresh the air feels. how vivid the candy apple green the leaves on trees were today. and then the nice refreshing rain that occured. a beautiful spring day.
-seeing so much how i live such a "healthy" lifestyle compared to the average person. like,this ex smokes,drinks a lot,works with oil fumes,eats a lot of meat,etc,etc and here i am the girl who meditates everyday,does yoga everyday,is on a plant based diet,doesn't smoke,only drinks socially,etc,etc.
-beauty
-forgiveness
-being a woman
-that my ex A is still in my life
-reflection
-that i can meditate tonight
-awesome creations

[buttercup]

-new hair clip i bought which keeps more hair out of my face because it's bigger
-coffee
-water
-my vitamins
-sweaters
-sleeping kind of nice last night
-new interests i want to explore;right now i'm interested in exploring acro yoga
-my favorite incense
-getting some emails done;feels so good accomplishing things put off. really clears energy to do so!
-nourishment
-meditation and how just a little of the right meditation really is healing
-the white shadow pencil i bought for highlighting which i LOVE. i tried it out last night and it works amazing. it really made me look more awake and younger. so glad i bought it.
-that A seems to love me,and i get the feeling thinks of me as the one who got away and wants to marry me someday. he is so intense,though that sometimes i just need to back off. he is so serious oriented.i feel he'd want to have kids with me.i do feel close to him,though,i want to tell him that. being a soul connection,though,every time he comes back around,he has me checking with myself on internal things i need to change and move forward to. i've almost come to expect it and it scares the heck out of me what that means. after all these years,we are still in each other's lives,and every time we see each other,even if it's not always pleasant,he stirs something in me that causes me to realize i need to change something in my life. it scares me that what if one day,after a certain point,he is right,and we DO end up getting married. and that,on some soul level,he just knows i'm not ready yet and have these changes to make. he drives me crazy. what if we weren't just some intense crazy love story back then that was young and passionate but meant to be short lived but in fact meant for much more? i do believe he really was in love with me back then. but,he also falls in love a lot,i feel. then again,so do i. i do think he wishes he could give me more,but because we were so short lived back then,never got a chance to. i've also wondered if he is waiting for me,and that is why he seems to not get married or often go official with relationships since we first reconciled in 2010. and,maybe that's why he was getting antsy and kept calling me this month. maybe he feels he is getting older,and with things going on with the other ex of his he said he doesn't feel it for,it's reminding him of me and wanting to get married soon,since he had mentioned how his friends keep saying things about marriage to him. it's just overwhelming to me.i had thought i wanted something more serious now,and long term,but with him coming in the picture now,i feel like i want to pace things in my life.he has said very meaningful things. he is one person who always triggers big changes so it scares me. in 2009,he triggered big life changes. and thinking of him in long term ways,always makes things feel final which scares me,as it seems so gloomy.i don't know what's meant to happen,i started to catch on last year after we met up,that he's definitely a soul mate alright that i knew,since he drives me crazy,and triggers things in me,yet feels like home to me,too.i'm just not sure if he is meant to be someone who pops in time to time,and we catch up,triggers things,and then go our separate ways,or are we going to have something happen one day? like marriage. it does have the perfect set up,for us to end up becoming married one day. two people,the young good girl,and the rebellious bad boy have intense,crazy in love,but very short lived relationship,split up in awful way,reconcile and every year or so meet up just to one day end up married. it's a perfect flow,in a way. in 2010,our first time meeting up,was at a coffee shop. i was still awkward,and there was shyness on both parts,and i didn't feel it as much,and it felt more like a,it was good to manifest this,and good to see each other again,just to see each other. it seemed to mean more to him at the time,which makes sense since i was the one who was a lot more heartbroken and in tears when we ended,and so by the time i healed,i was moved on. over time,i was still young and starting to go out a lot,and i just wasn't as into him,he seemed to not be caring enough or fun enough,and then we meet in 2012 again. This time,it was more romantic. I was more confident,and grown into myself,but a little egotistical,and he was a little playerish,still.We had both both vibed more,but i was still immature somewhat,and he was still coming off to me,somewhat fake and i felt distrust still of him not seeming very caring of a person. We had sex this night,and it felt like i was going back in time,manifesting something i had intended back in my heartbreak when we ended things with each other in 2009. I felt closer to him,and him to me,him even saying things about if i ever got pregnant,and it seemed like he possibly tried to make me pregnant with where he finished. He then seemed to be playing games with me,as if testing me,and i just wasn't feeling it,and i also didn't trust him about things which i did speak about a little just so he'd know and eventually we distanced,and he ended up in a relationship. then,it's 2014. by now,i've matured more,and had more grown up things happen by now. we meet up on valentine's day and by now i'm a little more almost in a bitter phase of my life. This time,when we met up,he annoyed me at times,and he seemed a bit bitter himself,actually which is kind of interesting in hindsight to see that we were more similar then i realized. he had just come out of a relationship and was talking about how disappearing is just what he does,and how someday he wants to end up on the west coast,and it just made me so mad on the inside,that,and various things,but what's funny is i had talked too about wanting to move up on the west coast. We tried to have sex,and he was more agressive,which actually put me off,the older me would've found it a turn on,and we ended up not having sex,but he wasn't mad,and we was very loving to me,and he said it would'nt be a year or so next time we see each other when i said it would,but then i had the hardest year of my life,but..the funny thing is,ever since 2012 when i had spoken about some of the things with him that bothered me,he actually was more there for me and so in 2014,i was surprised to see with things the things that hurt me the most in life,he actually cared but then a few months later,he tried to make plans with me,i was in too much pain and said i'm not ready yet,and he started ignoring me. i think he had wanted to give me a necklace when i said i'm not ready. i hadn't known this but after i said that to him,i looked at his facebook,and he posted a picture saying he wanted to give this necklace to someone and then few hours later was when he had messaged me to see me. finally,i picked up the pieces of my life after a hard year,and then the beginning of this year,felt it's been about a year so i contacted him to hang out when i was hurt from a breakup. we had been on and off talking and trying to get together since i contacted him and well now we are here with us having gotten together last saturday. so,things unfolding as they should. it's weird,indeed and i don't think when he first contacted me in 2008,and we became a couple in 2009,that either of us expected it to go like this,or for us to still be in each other's lives this many years later. he is one of those people in life i am very grateful to have met. he remembers things about me,like a most important work contact i love,and other things,and has said last saturday,he's been keeping his eye on me all these years.have no idea what that means.i would like to change the pattern of things,just to prove to myself i can,since one of my worries these days with manifesting is that things with people go in patterns and it sucks so i'm going to try and see if we can meet up again this spring.i really like that i feel he can provide for me,and that he gets me in a lot of ways.
-all the new instagram followers
-that business trip is almost freaking here. so nervous.
-lemon tea. wow. so good,and so healing. so happy to work with this tea for the rest of the month. a great solar plexus tea. as soon as i tried it,i was impressed with how great it tasted.
-uber
-great success tips
-feeling motivated

[buttercup]

-a nice double scoop of vegan protein drink for dinner so i can get my protein for the day in easily without having to worry about it,and also since i feel i went a little lower the last few days
-orange extract which i add in to my protein drinks which makes them taste so sweet
-deciding to start breaking my vitamin e capsules and use them externally as well and see how that goes
-being honest with myself that i'm really feeling like i'm drifting still,and feeling stuck,more-so in a career sense,and don't really know what to do,and that there's a lot of little things i'd like to change but don't know how yet.i think that i'm still slacking on good meditating is also causing this.i'm still overthinking,and indecisive about little things,as well as feeling a lack of purpose and direction somewhat. maybe not purpose,but direction i what i mean. maybe i'm just waiting for business trip to be over before i start making more changes,but i don't like that as an excuse neccessarily,but yet i can't help but feel like it's an important thing to me for this year and that it needs to get done,before i can see what's next.
-how shiny and great my hair feels
-deciding to go ahead and message my ex A on facebook telling him something and sending him music i mentioned to him before. it made me feel better doing so. i must admit,maybe it's just because we had sex,or maybe we just are really in alignment with each other right now,but i feel it'd be really enjoyable to spend more time with him. he is sexy,mature,non judgemental,positive,and a provider,masculine,and has changed a lot it seems. plus,there's a closeness there. his words really have made me wonder if we'd end up together. i haven't thought such a thing in so long,though. ever since we first reconciled,i just figured we'd be in each other's lives,and keep in touch but that's it,but then time and again,i manifest more things that my heartbroken self wished upon during meditation way back years ago when we split up,and my heart just KNEW we'd see each other again one day. and then,we did.i manifested seeing him again. i then manifested us back with each other,having had sex,and now with us for the first time,pretty much talking about dating again. these are all things,i feel i probably wished for back then,that have come about.i feel,and have felt for awhile,that he sees me as the one who got away(even though he abandoned me,lol) and the one he'd like to end up with,marry or have a kid with. idk why. idk what makes me different.i don't have some of the interests he loves.i can see why he'd like me,want to date me,and so on,but not sure what makes me someone he'd want to end up with. it makes me feel even more what we had in 09 was very much real and special to him. we were so different then,so much younger. for the first time since we dated,i feel more of a paternal vibe from him,too. but also,for the first time,at least since we dated,if not ever,i feel the smoke and mirrors was off,like there was just something more real and mature being shown,whereas other times we reconnected,it seemed he tried to cover up more,and had more perhaps uncertainties of how to be,whereas last saturday,he felt more like he knew me,and how to be.it was the first time since we dated,i felt a strong sense of control from him,authenticity,and possessiveness,whereas before,he seemed more blocked. somehow we just really really seem on the same page,it is so weird.i don't even think we were this much on the same page when we dated,but maybe we were
-getting the suitcase in the living room. makes me feel good having it in there,since my goal is to be packed a few days before leaving so i can try and sleep the night before since i don't usually
-going tanning today
-the beautiful,peace sounds of outside. so soothing.
-makeup. got my package last night,and it was in pretty lace bag and they gave me a free full size eyeliner in my favorite color. so excited to try it. it's a color i'd actually be drawn to buy anyways. so excited to order direct from this company again.
-savasana pose. did a five minute meditation on the floor in that pose and i am making that my meditation method of the moment. for me,mixing it up is essential and so i'm going to keep meditating in that pose for a bit.i find it very opening and great for clarity.
-water and how tasty it is
-banana fruit spread on cinnamon french toast sticks. so good.
-how over B i am and have been and seeing how far i've come since then.i see pics of him now online,and think i can do much better,which is mean,but an essential part of healing with these kinds of things,i think. also,am reminded of how nice it is spending time with my ex A,who is a little older,and tougher. Funny,both him and my first boyfriend are guys who would easily win in a fight against any of these guys nowadays. It seems the guys i end up official with are guys who are very capable and physically strong,and caretaker types. B was one guy i was close to that with,though,and actually the guy who was 3rd most able to win in a fight against any guy so for some reason guys i end up actually official with or very close to it,are that type. The provider,protective type that won't get in a fight,but they are keeping their eyes peeled for danger,and could get in a fight,and win in a fight,and intimidate other guys.
-how hard my nails are
-inspirations. from the daughter of kurt cobain and courtney love and the 90's and middle eastern influences,these are some things i'm really inspired by
-chakra healing music. while organizing more files,i listened to heart all the way up to crown solfeggios. these do such an amazing job of clearing energy and raising my vibration for me. my mind almost always gets quieter from the vibration raising,too. from heart chakra,where i get a little emotional at times from that,to throat where my mind gets a little more quieter and positive,to third eye and crown where mind just literally becomes clarified,it is so nice.
-music
-my style
-positive articles online that change your perspective,for example on embracing that time of the month,and why which is something i've been starting to feel more lately. we are taught to HATE so many things,and fear them,like monthly cycles,and death,when if we opened our eyes and changed our perceptions,we can see them in much more positive ways.
-my lemon ginger tea. so good.
-reflection
-going to sleep a little earlier last night,though it didn't seem to make a difference in how tired i was waking up
-great quotes and reflections from others,including famous people,that show others think and believe certain things that are much deeper then this physical reality
-relaxing about imperfection and how much more i had wanted to cover in last letter for project 21

[buttercup]

-coffee
-water
-mysteriously feeling the urge to wake up at a certain time just to see notifications on my phone that my ex A posted a picture of me on two social medias,he even found me on instagram,i didn't even see what it said,as i quickly felt self conscious about my appearance and how i looked physically so asked him to remove and said we can take better ones next time. now,part of me wishes i had seen what he captioned the pics and gotten a better look at how i looked before panicing as i often do about pic tags from my bdd.i appreciate being thought of though and that he wants to show me off. he seems to be acting very possessive and like he wants a relationship with me. for awhile after the pic,i felt so insecure about myself drifting back to sleep wondering how attractive am i really,and maybe i'm not that pretty. it made me feel very down.
-acknowledging that i feel very direction-less about my life. and that it's making me apathetic and like i'm just drifting in a career sense. i had so much more motivation before but ever since march or so, ifeel displeased about certain life things and very stuck. seeing my ex A did trigger more of it,too.i also feel lazy,but like i just need to do my business trip,then come back and see what happens with giving my life some direction. on top of that,having not spoken to E after in over a month,even though my higher self didn't want to see him,i do feel kind of..frustrated by it. all i want to do is have trip be amazing,come back and see ex A again,have my life get direction,and also see E. i'm so down that i feel fears about trip,and worries it won't bring me the soul changes i desire.
-savasana pose in yoga for meditating
-yoga
-getting my workouts done last night
-cleaning the living room
-getting to bed slightly earlier,though it's not seemed to make a difference in waking up earlier. also falling asleep with more ease,which is very nice and sleeping better. maybe that's the vitamin e helping with that.
-roommate stopping by on break
-new things to integrate and try
-feeling feelings for ex A again.i keep thinking he is really sexy lately,and how good of a provider he is
-how wise i actually can be.i re-read some old blogs,and am like damn,i'm so smart.
-that ex A loves me,even if he doesn't remember it/know it. he did actually say it afterall back when we dated in 2009,but has yet to say it since we reconciled.
-manifesting desires.i can't help but be inspired by it. ex A as a huge desire many years ago that iwanted back. the classic manifesting the ex back story. it includes the downsides and the magic of it. downsides being,yes it took some time,though in hindsight,not really that long,and when he came back,i was moved on,and not really feeling it,quite the same. but,now years later,he is still in my life,and there's still something,and still things unraveling so i'd encourage anyone to manifest their exes back. the magic of it is,the beauty of having a dream come true and how surreal it is,and how much it strengthens a bond,and that in my experience,once you do the work,they never let you go,and you never need to do the work again,there's always a strong something there where they always think of you. i've seen this true in several people,years later,from doing just a small amount of work to bigger desires,and it's always been this way,that they just always will think of you,even years later,like this mysterious strong connection. some say you shouldn't manifest things with people,but i disagree,and old books on law of attraction would,too. using loa with people is one of the most fun ways to practice,because seeing it unfold with people desires is one of the most magical ways of seeing the loa at work.
-how writing this list is actually boosting my mood out of apathy and boredom and making me realize i'm just not trying hard enough and that life if magical,and i just need to make some more efforts to manifest my desires instead of feeling stuck on what i want.i do see how and why i've been stuck though
-tights to keep my legs warm
-that i'll start packing tonight a little bit

[buttercup]

oh,man what an emotional day.i feel so intense,that i feel like i'm crazy. idk why my emotions are so intense today,it's like pms-intense except i'm not pmsing.i feel soooo stuck,and my mind has been in overedrive and ive been apathetic and unmotivated and just aimless. the good sides is i've had short bursts of motivated moments today,particularly after meditating in savasana pose.gloomy,cold weather and i should be excited trip is around the corner but i'm just a wreck. so frustrated and stressed.even my body feels off too like my chest feels slightly tighter,and stomach not feeling as well
-savasana yoga pose for meditating. did it three times today and it has helped me. the last time led me to realize one clutter that's caused me to feel off,and it's stupid but i know it's true,my higher self said so,but i've been using two computers for the past few weeks since the sound randomly stops after a few moments on mine,and i even did letter for project during this time period which took me forever to do,and i obsessed over,and felt not pleased with,so i think it's because of this clutter! i use a computer quite a bit so having to use two has made me feel like not quite myself,it's just cluttering! so,at the least i acknowledged i need to get that fixed.i also decided to try and just use one for the rest of the day when i use it,and use mine,and that i can press pause for a few seconds when it stops and then play and it'll work which is annoying but less annoying then using two perhaps,and also using just mine,feels better,too.
-the masculine men in my life
-forgiveness
-dreaming of E this morning.idk why,i just dreamt he contacted me. maybe it was psychic,idk,but as far as i know he's disappeared.i'm sure i'll see him again but i'm a little disappointed by his behavior. he was also on my mind sexually before that,though.
-my love for my ex A. i actually been thinking about marriage a lot lately. he's so freaking intense,it drives me crazy. he's always been like that,though.i love him.i love how non-judgemental he has always been,there's a lot of hurt there between us,too though but seeing him is like coming home. and,also am i going to get married soon,are things i wonder now. he planted a lot of seeds in my head. he could provide for me in a lot of ways.
-my thoughts before bed about my ex A and ways to clarify my path a bit and seeing how some things maybe would be more work-able then i thought and not so hard. then again it was the middle of the night when i had those thoughts,and my thoughts are always more out there then until day time when they calm more so who knows
-deciding to be easy on myself tonight. my thoughts have been so intense,and volatile that it might be easier,though it feels lazy to be gentle on myself and just focus on calming and quieting.
-feeling better already,though still emotional,by just using only my computer,and having insights that i've felt stuck all these past weeks,but that i have little sparks of clarity and ideas coming and motivation,and that i think when i'm back from out of town is when the big changes will come and this last weeks has just been the build up of that.i just get so frustrated by life sometimes.
-tights to keep my legs warm. it's so cold the last few days. feels like winter.
-packing a little more.
-understanding things now that i didn't understand before
-best friend and how amazing he is
-peaceful sounds of the outside at night
-seeing that anyone's life can change at any moment
-nourishing food
-vitamins
-relaxing and not trying to do a bunch of things at once,but instead observing and allowing things to integrate
-how hard my nails feel
-coffee and how soothing it is
-lemon tea
-things that are funny and people with a sense of humor;laughing
-beautiful,soothing,animal videos and animal videos that change how people look at animals
-calmness and that my mind feels quieter,and my energy a little more clear already
-beautiful music
-that i'm more extraordinary then i realize
-how much my spiritual views have expanded since this time last year
-feeling my feelings,even if tonight has been especially ungrounded.i love her,i love her,i love her so much.
-acknowledging the little things to fix to make oneself feel better.
-my higher self. my higher self always soothes me,comforts me,and gives me the answers
-that my lips are getting bigger
-vegan chocolate and how relaxing and stress releasing it is

[buttercup]

-feeling in a much better mood today
-figuring out how to use my computer with sound and so no more using two computers when i go online which has brought me much more clarity and peace
-getting an out coffee today and pastry today. coffee was so good and perked up my mood more
-feeling loved
-love
-romance
-feeling much more calm about trip coming up and direction of life
-getting to do my quantum healing meditations which manage my ocd last night. makes such a huge difference.i need to do these regularly.
-seeing ideas to bring me more peace,filling in holes of where i go wrong
-loving myself by allowing myself to feel sexy by buying sexy things.
-alternative,holistic,and self healing since i do not believe in doctors
-sportsbras. used to think i'd hate them and they'd make me look masculine but somehow i was so wrong and they make me look so feminine and great,and support my chest so much better
-pops of color
-listening to music when i woke up today,which put me in a good mood
-balancing my root chakra with chakra healing music which made my mood better,too and made a huge difference. i had the time i may as well.
-savasana yoga pose for meditating
-taking a day off from working out last night to just chill
-scalp massages and how tension releasing they are
-face massage and face yoga. also very tension releasing
-beauty,and inspiring beauty icons/beauty idols that have a unique striking beauty
-being inspired to really take it far with my first career and that,that's where i want to go when i come back and that jan/feb was the preview of what's to come,but my trip is the kick off of things taking off
-feeling more content/at peace with things having to do with writing
-feeling more confident overall
-beauty
-body oil gels;they moisturize my body best
-lemon tea. so yummy
-email from K right ten seconds after i thought of her,so weird.
-deciding for sure to cancel one job that is right when i come back from trip.
-what i do for a living
-being smart
-being a nonconformist
-being love and having loved fur angel so much and fighting for her until the last moment and loving her in the best way i knew how
-figuring out that maybe what ex A likes about me that makes me different from other girls to him is my child-like side.i think he likes how childish i am and i am child-like in a way that is very different and stand out from other girls. he's been with feminine girls and girls with glamour in their life,which i have,too but i don't think any of them have the child-like ways that i have without even meaning to or knowing when i'm like that.i don't come off "helpless" in a mature,feminine 50's housewife way which is what i'd thought was his dream and what one of his exes he says everyone says he should be with is like that he doesn't feel it for,but i'm "helpless" in a childish,girlish,clumsy sort of way. where some girls exude that grace and submissiveness,i am the type to stumble and have juvenile face expressions,and an innocence that is very rare.
-glamour
-tea tree oil.i think it actually heals breakouts BETTER then benzoyl peroxide and keeps them from coming back. not surprised.

[ctcarr]

I'm grateful for this website and that I finally decided to get back into all this full time. I'm grateful for everyone on this website that I've came in contact with and that i've had a little chat with. You guys are great and I'm seeing my goals become my life even quicker with the help of this website.

Im grateful for this! thank you all