GRATITUDE LIST

[buttercup]

-being safe
-best friend's parents being there for me
-my teeth
-doing my anxiety goal despite having extreme panic and depression this morning.i managed to calm myself down and go anyways,changed my route up and bought myself a nice lunch. the vegan soup they had available that they offered which i decided to say yes to which was so good to go with my sandwich,and how filling all of it was.i ended up having leftovers and saved most of my coffee for later. changing the route i went there as well to mix it up. this is a point where it's now easy for me I know now upping how often i do this per week isn't going to make a difference and that it's time to branch out further distance wise
-sweaters
-the cat being here
-wearing my yellow tank top for the first time today and how nice it looked
-rest
-things to daydream about that feel good
-knowing despite it all,I AM going to win this.i feel that feeling stronger then ever.
-that it's now springtime
-the sun shining today
-how healthy and hard my nails are
-all my accomplishments i have going for me
-beauty
-inspiration
-beautiful people
-my beauty
-being able to laugh at life,and laugh at this pic best friend's dad randomly drew of best friend's name and name's of all his girlfriends after me. it was hilarious
-job offer for first career
-having a lot of ideas already for my anxiety overcoming plan and remembering that for years now,actually i had already been taking steps here and there.i can remember in 09 trying to take a train by myself and feeling the thrill of it,and taking the train back to train station by house from seeing someone,and trying to practice how to learn to drive. I need to make sure what i'm doing now is different. And,it is so far,I can feel it. Despite the obstacles and struggles,I love having had L come here. I love going to the cafe for my lattes and having food from there in my fridge. But,I also love having best friend bring me lattes and being here more. I know what my heart wants and I believe firmly that are desires exist for a reason and what we seek is seeking us. I can see I had become complacent in some ways,a bit stuck,and I'm grateful for growth,but I am ready for ease now and am choosing to live in a reality where my life has more ease,and less struggle
-mirror technique affirmations
-finding out that from going to cafe more often I actually have change for laundry,or at least to re-dry since last load didn't dry all the way
-that march is almost over. what a rough month.
-surrendering and letting go of fighting so much
-all the inner work i have done since december and core beliefs i've discovered. i know im changing for the better
-trusting my heart no matter what other's say
-mountain dew
-sleep
-being smart
-having met a lot of different types of people in life
-being a nonconformist

[buttercup]

-being healthy
-the sound of the birds chirping
-that i get to go get a massage today
-emails with S
-yoga
-feeling confident about myself
-feeling calmer about life situation from last few months
-coffee
-vegan burritos
-going shopping with best friend yesterday
-getting telepathic feeling from best friend of him kissing me on the cheek about 5 minutes after i asked him how does hugging me make him feel and he seemed uncomfortable
-best friend trying to talk normal with me yesterday
-getting living room and part of kitchen cleaned and clothes re-dryed
-feeling so much calmer. it's crazy but ever since yesterday,i feel such a sense of calm and like everything is going to be ok
-having strong,healthy teeth
-fashion
-being on a normal sleep schedule now
-becoming more grateful
-feeling feelings of remembering what normalcy feels like again
-that it's springtime
-that the month is almost over and i got through it
-eye massage
-being given money yesterday
-orange flowers i got yesterday
-deciding to pick up this chocolate from a chocolate boutique downtown i've been wanting to try that is now at my local grocery store
-knowing how much better i am then R and finally seeing her as not that great in any way

[buttercup]

-matcha green tea chocolate with coffee for breakfast
-being on a normal sleep schedule now
-my next anxiety issue goal formed in my mind
-a funny,positive news article about strangers being texted about a newborn on accident and going to the hospital to see the baby.
-flowers
-emails with S. I finally figured it out. he takes me back to a time of right before/around the time i started having all these jaded limiting beliefs about dating. back then,i had more ease in some ways,and attracted things in guys i have more trouble with now. talking to him just seems to be doing something to me. he was someone i felt anger towards and brought up a lot to guys that i couldn't stand,yet somehow in some ways there's things about him i do find appealing. I think I had things to heal with him and my past. it's hard to believe it was so long ago,we dated. it doesn't feel that long ago. He had some good traits. Some awful. We were mean to each other. His last email to me was actually very mature,it actually was a turn on. He takes me back to a time of being younger,more innocent,and in the midst of taking on limiting beliefs that'd block me for time to come
-my paranoia subliminal on my phone.
-my massage yesterday. it was so good.
-deciding after best friend's dad said something that put me in a panic that it's time to stop talking to him about best friend emotional drama situation. i stopped talking to my mom for the most part about it in january,and it improved things but i kept it going by talking about it to best friend's dad a lot but it feels time to let go of that now,actually. i know that it's the next phase to healing all this more. after all,by talking about something constantly,we keep it active. Next up,in a few days or so,I will stop talking about it on an loa forum i'm on
-that things have been calmer the last two days and that i feel calmer
-how cute the cat is
-getting a pink donut and another latte yesterday
-that it's spring time
-the sun and warmer weather
-talking to best friend on the phone half hour ago
-best friend's dad saying he doesn't think his girlfriend he is with now will be his last
-being healthy
-deciding to focus on abundance more
-a new day and deciding i will do some EFT on paranoia since i'm not sure if the subliminal works or not,and I really am ready to let this go and the paranoia is more deep seated then other limiting beliefs
-sweaters
-style
-this forum
-gratitude
-looking up signs of cheaters because of someone else and seeing best friend actually fits alot on the list

[buttercup]

-being healthy
-my eyeglasses
-that i've gotten this far in these last months,and i will get through the next few weeks. that there is only about a week left of the month
-plant based diet
-coffee
-trying to see all of life as an adventure
-that it's springtime
-deciding to switch back to liking l now,after S showed his true colors last night. it was very odd,and i don't know why i contacted S in the first place,still but I think there was something I needed to heal from my past. hopefully,i did. i ended up going to bed in fear last night,but didn't get angry when he tested me with his initial comment. maybe i needed to go back in time. it was a weird 10 days and part of me did think would S and i end up going out again.
-great fitting lingerie
-having an amazing body
-inexpensive prices on things
-knowing this is the year i will overcome my anxiety issue and that this is the year for it,and everything feeling a little more secure now that it feels like that is the direction for my life right now,and i have a mental outline for it,and affirmations and core causes about it
-buying the pearl of great price,over and over again
-knowing that no matter how it may seem on the outside,best friend will return to me. he has been so hurtful and it's been humiliating,along with many other feelings,but i know in my heart,this is just a phase and we will get past this
-deciding to stop talking to best friend's dad about the issues since it adds negative momentum. once around april 1st,or so happens,i will then stop talking about the issues on that loa forum. it's such common sense. i had hesitated even first posting about it on that forum,because of how sacred the issue was but felt so desperate and like it'd be ok to do so. instinctively,i knew that talking about it could make things worse,but i really needed help and i kept the negative momentum going because things felt so intense,it felt needed to do. i know this is the key to more healing of things,and afterall the loa is a focus game.i see this all the time but it can be hard to get out of that focus sometimes. we get so caught up in that particular story or this particular story.
-staying calm no matter what
-being honest with myself
-sound therapies
-best friend coming home yesterday and helping house and bringing quarters and donut
-yoga
-beauty
-models
-inspiration

[buttercup]

i've just experienced one of the worst days of my life,and am in the midst of one of the worst heartbreak of my life. i don't know how i'm going to get through this. i am so scared,humiliated,and in pain. yet,i'm here on this gratitude list.i may be deleting my profile on an loa forum i'm part of because i couldn't save the reason i joined and that hurts too much the reminder.
-i think best friend sent me energy before,and maybe after breaking the news of his betrayal. that must be some sign of a sliver of care.
-that best friend's family has welcomed me with open arms and promised me i'm going to get through this and i'm not alone,and that they're going to help me. it was kind of amazing.
-that now even if best friend has decided to do what he has done,i will be living with his parents and possibly be getting into the career he is in,which keeps us entwined
-that i can kind of wonder about the weird of the day that he broke the news. everything had went wrong. the ceiling bust in from a leak,i drove out of state with my mom so she could get cigarettes,it was pouring,everything was going wrong
-the cat and how beautiful he is
-all the hair products i got from my p.r the other day
-a nice one hour conversation with landlords husband today.i wanted to savor my last moment's of being here and during hiding tears i somehow just kept talking and talking with him,and it was nice. it was kind of motivating,just connecting. it was bittersweet,as this is the life i'm going to be leaving now and not by my choice and how i had wished me and best friend could be normal but and even go to one of the landlord's husbands shows,and just savored things more,but it was motivating being reminded of what i want,and how much i really love and am going to miss my neighborhood.i lived in this area for a few years now and had a lot of growth and development here.
-letting myself cry. it's been non-stop tears,yet mostly calm,too which is weird. maybe i'm still in shock or denial. maybe it's because i'm going to be so entwined in his life still by how things will come about now or maybe it's an inner knowing we will live together again or something or maybe he just sent me a ton of reiki for this moment,i have no idea. his phone call sounded so final. he had said his parents provided well for him and he knows they will do the same for me and that he knows i won't stay there long and will end up living my dream.i don't know how he could say that last part. it sounded so fake. how could he know that if he thinks i'm so dependent. his other last words will remain forever etched in my heart. I told him but i tried so hard. He said "you didn't try hard enough."
-getting a driving lesson in today
-having a little over a month left at my beautiful apartment
-social media
-emojis
-my eyeglasses
-best friends parents being very on my side through all this
-perspective that other's with similar qualities as me have gone through upheaval like i am going through and much worse and have gotten through it and blossomed,and i will,too
-reassurances from others that I will hear from him again and see him again and that this isn't forever
-that at least now i can focus on primary career,and that is one thing which will not be negatively affected from all this
-that i can also work out more now as another benefit
-knowing i have so much more going from me then R and that i will win this,and that i am going to blossom in so many amazing ways to only become even more better and that even with my weaknesses,i have so much going for me

[Timothy]

Try not to follow through on irrational thoughts. Though you feel acutely unsafe...always protect you and your's...even (mostly) from yourself. Hang in there.

[buttercup]

Try not to follow through on irrational thoughts. Though you feel acutely unsafe...always protect you and your's...even (mostly) from yourself. Hang in there.

Wow. How did you know? I had been feeling like I have no will to live.

[buttercup]

somehow,in my deepest pain,i'm still able to make this gratitude list. perhaps because it reminds me of when things were ok. everyday,I used to write about him on here.
-this mock meat dinner from whole foods i'm eating
-that best friend's parents took me shopping with them today to get some food
-getting some body lotion that looked interesting
-getting a pic posted on ig which is good
-expressing myself by posting a pic on fb
-supportive messages and comments on fb
-getting a sign that is evil of me to even want of something bad happening to R. it may be wrong of me but it kind of boosted my mood even seeing that
-all the compliments on how pretty i am,and thin,etc,etc which is pointless to me right now,but nice to hear
-seeing and feeling more attractive nowadays
-how cute and funny the cat is
-knowing that as tough as my obstacles are right now,that there are people who got through much worse and came out of it and blossomed and that my obstacles to someone else would actually feel like minor things anyways,it's just to me they feel huge because i don't believe in myself and because i've spent this many years of my life not having ever achieved it.
-that now that i'm on the ground metaphorically,my challenges in some ways feel like easier to achieve feats then ever before,which is also strange
-the importance of no matter how bad things are,to find anything to be grateful for
-having internet to use
-a phone
-that i handled things with grace and class
-the inner knowing R will gets hers and that R and best friend won't stay together,and that best friend will miss me and no longer feeling guilty about wanting R to get hers now or wondering if it's wrong for wanting them broken up
-rest

[buttercup]

-finding out brother cut his hair. the timing of finding out felt like a wink from the universe telling me loa is still real,and to not give up.
-all the little feelings i'm getting that feels like life telling me nothing is set in stone or predestined and that things are constantly shifting
-going to that vegan restaurant i had wanted to try finally
-posting on social medias today
-being able to laugh and smile today,somehow. feels crazy.
-feeling a sense of being broken open
-having the strongest inner knowing ever that R will be gone soon,and it wont last
-realizing i will win this,and the chapter just isn't over yet
-water
-finding out best friend still paid the bill today
-sleep
-being able to see it as a bit of an adventure my life being in shambles now,and that by being in it,it's showing me new experiences and that I can get out of this
-feeling a sense of calm and surrender from all this,and inspired to feel more present and surrender now. even talking to the landlords husband the other day for an hour,just savoring the experience
-being cultured and classy
-my beauty
-best friend's mom seeming to think R is controlling too
-being able to find inspiration from this whole experience and the newness it brings me
-knowing me and best friend are not done,after all,i'm nowgoing to be living with his parents,and spending more time with his family
-having heart enough to take the blame and feel like it's my fault best friend is so wounded
-feeling feelings of love and forgiveness for some reason last night towards best friend
-expression
-that tomorrow i am going to go to clinic to see about getting the process started of me getting therapy and also do a driving lesson
-how cute the cat is and being able to play with him with his toy
-hope
-that i have a month left here in my apartment
-perspective that now that i'm leaving here soon,it looks like im actually able to see it looks so easy to walk around here in neighborhood and also appreciate the loveliness of it so much more
-positive comments such as best friend's dad saying you never know maybe i will end up back in this neighborhood or still staying here. even that HE said that. it's just so strange that everyone had seemed so negative but now that the really bad has happened,everyone seems to be saying you never know,and having much more positive comments to say
-having good taste
-that i think i cried a little less today

[buttercup]

somehow feel drawn to do gratitude more often so may do that as long as it feels good.
-getting in some driving lesson today,even if it wasnt an ideal one since i felt overwhelmed.i drove side streets and crossed busy streets and am getting better at reversing and driving a little faster.i was driving in the neighborhood me and best friend had our first apartment.
-that i'm crying less now
-my style and taste
-doing some visualization today in several few minute increments and several seconds increments on imaging positive conversations. it made my body feel good and made my mood better in a general way though not specific to the situations yet.
-being able to try and surrender and see that being backtracked in life doesn't mean i won't get back forward again and being able to appreciate the connectedness to life,even if some parts of feeling like i'm going back in time hurt like hell
-the connection to best friend i still have such as being connected to his parents,his sweaters i wear,the computers having both our names on it,his parents pay my phone bill,etc,etc.i actually used to be so scared that losing him if he died would cause me to lose all that,so at least,from this i can see that wouldn't happen and that they do care about me
-having high ideals for myself
-knowing for myself in my heart this is wrong,and not how it's meant to be and that I can have what I want and don't have to conform to society's norms
-the pizza slices i got from the pizza place by my first apartment and best friend's first apartment
-deciding to even do just some kind of cleaning yesterday and cleaning off the table
-deciding today i will do at least some kind of cleaning again and will sweep the dining room floor
-deciding today i will do at least some kind of small amount of exercise even just some lunges or something and will do at least a speaking affirmation session. after all,this stuff did work and i shouldn't give up. the past months were not all a waste,even if it seems like it.
-the miracle of finding out yesterday my brother cut his hair and is wearing brighter colors. it has been something that has given me so much hope. i set that intention this winter! that was my wink from the universe telling me not to give up.
-warm weather
-deciding to buy the pearl of great price
-deciding to start keeping my beliefs and wants to myself. i think even if this takes practice and i only start doing this little by little more and more,that will make great positive effect and i will get better at doing that. i believe there is a sacredness to that and it was how i did things when i first learned of loa and had more success and less loa filters blocking me
-appreciating the experience of going to that indian restaurant and the cool little strip it was in.i felt like i wasn't in my city. i loved it.
-going ahead and deciding i will fill out that application for the flower shop
-realizing all that's happened is not predestiny,no matter how much it may look like it
-eye massage
-that i have an appointment with a free mental health professional so maybe that'll be good to help deal with all this hurt