GRATITUDE LIST

[buttercup]

it is a little hard quitting the yoga studio. after all the mess last year when best friend broke the news to me,this was the "normal" job i found and upon my first time walking in i felt so happy,and just knew. i just knew i had to work there. it was my happy thing and has been my zen place ever since. and ever since i made the decision that this would be my last month,i started seeing G again,the client i found really hot and was the first guy i found hot after everything and who seemed like he might've been flirting with me. today was great,in that he came in. and my boss wasn't there. and it was was as if we vibed again but in a different way. upon leaving,he was adorable,polite,and seemed tongue tied,and said something about " as well" i think saying he'll seem me the next day i work as well. he remembers my name,complimented my hair,and remembers my work schedule so he's definitely been present with me,and has interest it could be as if we are friends,even though we've barely had any conversations,maybe like 3-4 short ones in the last almost a year now. i will miss him,and just feeling that vibe today both made my mood soar and yet also broke my heart a little,too. i tried not liking him. and,i've realized it's not even because of this/that/this that i did like him,that was just pretext. i just genuinely feel and had felt really drawn to him. i have one more day left and maybe i'll see him and i had the thought maybe i should drink before shift so i know how to talk. lol. besides him,i feel geuninely that my boss is someone i could be friends with. i'm not worried about that though,as it seems we've started to connect a bit outside of work. and since she is friends with him,who knows,maybe that could even link me and him together later down the line. i quit because i felt i got all i got out of being here. my boss has said i'm welcome to come back anytime so maybe this will even just be temporary and i'll come back in a few months. i just feel like if you want something different,you have to do different,and if you want something to happen,sometimes you have to give it a deadline to happen,and change is life and you should never be afraid of it,it's good to practice that because it helps you to be more detached and when you give something space,you give room for something new to flow in. It's good to not get in a rut,and to let yourself change directions a bit every now,and then,it helps you sail life a bit better.
-positive inner knowings
-seeing G again. it's so weird how all of a sudden towards the end of my time here he shows up again. he was something that made me happy so i am grateful for him. i think going through this,and even feeling tongue tied and flustered is a part of growing and learning. it may suck and feel hopeless,but eventually it'll get right,and the things that will make me happy will fall into place.
-bringing T kitten in room with me for a bit and cuddling and how funny he is
-sweet soda
-having house to myself for a little bit this morning
-water
-coffee
-becoming more social media confident
-the amazing weather today
-sunshine
-positive people
-uber
-weight going down
-all the money i'm earning. i checked the portal of one thing i'm working through and it is so exciting to see
-brownie bites
-pictures
-colored pencils
-coloring in my mandala coloring book for a bit today
-meditation
-connection. no matter what,i feel a connection with my boss and G. i dont know why i cant just consider them both friends. they are not strangers.
-my phone
-fashion
-my eyeglasses
-support
-TV episodes online
-donkey kick exercises
-reflection
-makeup
-ginger
-hot tea
-relaxation
-becoming more surrendered again. i don't know what it is lately,but i just feel like i'm becoming more and more like myself
-doing a spiritual intention seeding exercise the other night
-relaxing music
-art
-new experiences
-ideas
-creativity
-oneness
-writing
-quiet
-desires. having a strong one to go to new mexico lately.
-deep cleansing breaths
-colors
-pictures
-having a dental cleaning tomorrow
-emotions
-touch
-smiling
-nourishment
-cleaning my dishes
-my bed
-hope
-being able to imagine things i couldn't for awhile that are what would make me happy

[buttercup]

-the fan in my room
-hypnosis
-amazing weather
-sweet soda
-whole foods orangeade
-touch
-massage
-getting a dental cleaning today
-unintentional intermittent fasting seeming to be another thing that works for me with slimming out
-cute things the outdoor cats do and finding one of their hiding spot's they go to when i cannot find them
-playing with some visualization/loa ri thinking while waiting at the dentist
-my phone
-laughing
-getting another company who owes me money saying they will send my check this afternoon
-deep cleansing breaths
-relief
-my bed
-colors
-pictures
-water
-coffee
-detachment
-ideas
-new perceptions
-new ideas
-little possible glitches in the matrix
-leggings
-M putting more money in my account
-maturity
-stretches
-getting that time of the month
-chocolate
-weight going down
-taking life one day at a time and letting myself slow down
-clarity
-beauty
-kind-heartedness
-appreciation
-self compassion
-being beautiful
-being excited about the law of attraction
-being more filled with possibility
-newness
-embracing change
-emotions
-all the money on it's way to me

[buttercup]

today was a weird and long day. it started out with me ended up perfectly on time and even a few minutes early for work,something that lately has not been as common.i ended up wearing my shoes i wore back when i first started(they just happened to be my favorite for the day) and my makeup looked amazing. while there,the day was exactly how a day would go to make you know you made the right decision. my boss was very nice and going out of her way to make me feel welcome and even telling G who sure enough did come in that it was my last day. owner ended up coming in,and someone who works there that i remember seeing in the beginning of me working there. G and my boss definitely seemed something serious. they did that thing where they talk in lower voices like people who are close to each other do and just vibed like they knew each other very well....very different then how they were months ago. it was a couple vibe. it would surprise me if they weren't together. And,so then they did end up together. The whole thing was just like a combination of seeing the loa at work with my wants,and what i had thought/pictured not neccessarily wanting. The thing with my boss telling him was how i had visualized it..and it was all very strange..a bizarre conclusion to my being there. The kind of thing that makes me want to study quantum physics all the more.i was emotional on and off by myself while journaling and reflecting while there. i had felt the feeling of being treated very nicely yet feeling utterly isolated and almost patronized...like i was this little child who still couldn't get it together,but that's ok. everyone else seems to be going on these wild exotic trips to india,and getting the guy and here i am with all my stuckness.i am grateful though for it all. The day also had gloomy weather,and the studio was playing some glum yoga music especially loudly today...it could be heard outside the studio which is not like them. When I first got there my favorite yoga studio song i always had liked was on.by the end of the day,i come home,see my check looked to have been opened up. i get upset feeling betrayed and text M and her husband and her husband explains it was him and it was on accident. i didn't buy it but was glad he admitted it. shortly after an hour later by the time this has all been resolved and i'm sure M had to have known it,she texts me back
'whatever." So,yeah,the whole day with the yoga studio was slightly surreal. And,the b.s at home is aggravating. M is cold. She shuts me off like i'm not worth hearing these days as if any little thing i say is too much for her. I still feel kind of weird. I do feel overall content about life in general,though..i have my thursdays back and after this weekend will have my sundays. I got some journaling done that felt like a deep cleaning for my soul so i feel i have a little direction now. Running is one thing I want to do start doing as hobby/fitness. And,for some reason,i just feel a lot more of an inner cheer since being off antipsychotics..i still get sad/depressed/angry,distrusting at times,but it goes away and i feel good again.

-waffles
-getting my check today
-buying the gucci item i've had my eye on the past months
-coffee
-seeing G again today
-my boss being so nice to me today,and being an awesome person in general and saying let's stay in touch
-newness
-uber
-colors
-chocolate
-M buying me that time of the month product today
-yoga pants
-becoming more independent and free
-T kitten and all the hilarious things he does. he cracks me up.
-cuteness
-instagram
-twitter
-facebook
-all the signs of reconnection i see all the time
-emotions
-life experiences
-reflection
-whole foods orangeade
-sweaters
-working on the under the front porch area for the cats and clearing out the wooden porch sticks
-my beauty
-feeling abundant
-feeling like im growing as a person
-music
-my great taste
-deep cleansing breaths
-my abs looking amazing today
-skipping soda today despite being heavily tempted because of the mood dips
-my curves
-new ideas
-all the creativity flowing lately
-new perceptions
-hypnosis
-positive and soothing self talk
-rest
-sleep talk
-letting go
-peace

[buttercup]

the weirdest thing happened today. it was in the evening,i was home from working busy quickly trying to book lodging online when i kept thinking i heard mumbled voices that sounded like ex best friend talking to someone. it drove me nuts. it sounded like he was right on the porch so i went out of my room to see what was that noise. i asked M's husband if someone was here and told him it sounded like someone was on the front porch talking. RIGHT as I was describing this to him,his phone rang,and i seen the name..it was my ex best friend's name,and sure enough ex best friend was asking him if he could stop by to use the printer. Am I psychic? Am I schizophrenic? Why do I have to get the weird as freck experiences like this happening to me?
-discovering new things
-music
-getting my check i've been waiting for to come
-booking my lodging for upcoming trip
-feeling in a pretty upbeat mood most of the day
-fashion
-being told by many things that imply they thought i was way younger then i actually am
-leggings
-great design
-socks
-deep cleansing breaths
-T kitten and all my outdoor cats
-sending my mom cat food and a cat toy for her cat and my brother's cat through the mail last night
-twitter
-my beauty
-words
-beauty
-models
-appreciation
-sleep
-self compassion
-newness
-the heart chakra and theta playlist im listening to right now
-nightskies
-M's husband giving me a ride to my jobs today
-the clients i've been working with lately
-having nice curves
-coffee
-stretches
-my pca skin daycream
-dinner
-spiked seltzer
-being talented
-my eyesight
-nature
-greenery
-friendliness
-calmness
-water
-touch
-excitement
-massage
-my bed
-hot tea
-opportunities
-being off antipsychotics
-my ambition
-the internet
-positive and soothing self talk
-emojis
-how interesting the universe can be

[buttercup]

-relaxing music
-sweaters
-the rain calming down a bit
-my kind heart
-bringing H kitten and T kitten in the house for a bit today. H just hid under the bed the whole time and T ate,cuddled,played,etc. H is adorable lately with his new habit of running up to me when i come out. It's crazy since he used to be one of the our most scared feral's. He would literally make the most heartbreaking scared meow sounds if you tried to pick him so he's come quite a long way. He still gets a little nervous being picked up though but loves human attention.
-fashion
-being able to work in the industries i do
-the fashion industry
-shopping.i went a little crazy today despite telling myself i'd take it slow,but it's been a while since i've been able to splurge a little since my checks had been late plus i should be plenty fine still
-having my lodging confirmed for upcoming travel
-water
-coffee
-deciding on the most perfect beautiful card to send to my mom. i debated because i wanted to make sure it's a card that isn't just a card I would love to recieve(because I would) but one i thought fitting and enjoyable. It had a lotus flower in a hand being handed on the front and in the middle a meditating buddha pop up design with more lotus designs. it was really beautfully made. I added a quote by buddha i thought fit perfectly with the handmade note.
-colors
-having a nice dinner tonight i enjoyed
-openness
-pictures
-all the instagram likes and follows i've been getting lately
-soothing/positive self talk
-instagram
-the internet
-TV episodes online
-chocolate cake
-yoga
-physical exercise
-my checking account
-my phone
-sweeping my floor tonight
-appreciation
-art
-twitter
-facebook
-finding a fresh out of the machine cat bed to bring to the outdoor cats and an old work tablecloth for a blanket to put somewhere for them.
-all the outdoor cat houses in the yard. days like today,i really appreciate it. it was raining practically all day and night. they've been huddled down stairs in some of them most of them together all evening.
-my beauty
-deep cleansing breaths
-catching up on doing some laundry
-smiling
-hot guys
-animal lovers and animal avocates
-conversation
-beauty

[buttercup]

-my phone
-T kitten and how adorable he is and H cat and how adorable he is and all my outdoor cats and their adorableness
-the little heater in my room
-having money
-getting my reporting done for jobs this last week
-my creativity
-finding out my food card had more money on it then i thought before i went to the grocery store
-getting some groceries today
-getting a certificate for the med spa thing i want to get done
-fashion
-my beauty
-sleep
-rest
-meditating today. i love how every time i meditate,i suddenly feel like i have more time.
-evolving
-that it was less rainy today
-physical exercise
-getting some wet food and treats for my outdoor cats today
-TV episodes online
-nourishment
-coffee
-skipping soda today
-vitamin water
-art
-doing a little studying today
-clean clothes
-positivity and optimism
-spirituality
-pictures
-ideas
-having nice lips
-warm showers
-detachment
-patience
-touch
-emotions
-sweaters
-getting more comfortable with my body again
-that my dentist appointment isn't until the evening tomorrow
-quiet

[buttercup]

-managing to calm myself down a little to be able to sit and write
-this forum
-seeing some good sides to the ugly that went down today
-deciding i am absolutely not buying paint for my room after what happened
-M's husband still being on my side
-hope
-soda and the buddy bars I'm snacking on right now while i chill myself out
-whatever the calming pill was M's husband gave me
-people i texted and emailed while i was panicking
-doing a little online shopping and adding more money to my savings account
-T cat. He always manages to cheer me up. yesterday i was trying to give them all their food and T was impatient for me to put his down,so he tried to wack it out of my hand. lol
-my intelligence
-seeing M's true colors so now i can stop trying to get on her good side and stop hoping she will change.i honestly this she has some hater issues going on towards me,too.
-my bed
-ideas
-my phone
-caring less what others think
-not letting haters ruin me within. i just know that if things don't heal themselves, karma is going to end up kicking ex best friend really freaking hard very soon and chaos is going to ensue and that I am going to end up becoming better and better and get my success despite how low M sees me. He silenced me and because I lived here I stayed silent. What reason will I have to stay silent if I don't live here anymore? I hate him. He isn't even in my life anymore and yet still is trying to control me. He won't win. I always win.
-getting some to-do list writing done earlier
-the internet
-catching up on phone calls earlier
-the weather getting a little nicer today
-inspiration
-music
-social media

[buttercup]

i was crying on the porch thinking about how i'm not sure i'm going to make it. feeling so alone,and disconnected and thinking about all i've lost and one by one most of my outdoor cats i take care of surrounded me,just going about their life but surrounding me. and,i realized i do have friends.cats are friends and it's important not to dismiss the animal connections because they really do,do a lot in in terms of being a friend. and,i realized that even if i did lose it all,everyone around me dies,and i'm just living on my own,i would be ok,too. it's the thinking that makes things hard but when we change our thoughts,it can all change. there's so much magnificence i've barely tapped into with i can create and change with my life and the law of attraction. all my outdoor cats i only met a year ago,and they fill me with so much connection. You can meet a new connection at any time,or reconnect at any moment. That moment gave me some solace,for now at least.
-my outdoor cats and how much meaning and connection they give my life. recently,i was wondering why are cats so nice to us humans? They really like me and M's husband.
-soda pop
-sweets.
-potatoes
-staying strong and having some moments of the day where i was ok. other moments,i was on the verge of tears or having hands shaking anxiety.
-nice people. my therapist was extra cheery and kind today.
-M's husband keeping extra in touch with me today. i think he's sensed that all that has happened would cause me to feel very on edge. He usually doesn't answer his phone at work but he responded to some of my texts today
-getting a little cleaning done
-getting my new shoes in the mail today
-fashion
-helpful members on this forum
-getting some studying done and making it my goal to try and finish the course up tonight
-ideas
-believing in the law of attraction
-whatever that anxiety pill i took yesterday was. it worked great. i could tell because i felt quite different,stable,and cheery then by the end of the night suddenly my mood shifted and i felt angry again and emotional.
-deciding im going to start going to therapy more again
-deciding to start an account for future rents money just to feel secure in case i ever needed it and throwing a couple dollars in it
-reflection
-getting up kind of early despite having gotten hardly any sleep and having had a nightmare and being nauseous with a major pounding headache.i feel like by waking up earlier,i can give myself more.
-my conviction im on the right side of things
-great design
-my phone
-my phone apps
-rsvp-ing to a one day meditation retreat in june i was emailed about
-nightskies
-that it didn't rain today
-the shelters that the animal organization gave us last fall for our cats. they keep my cats very toasty. every time one of them comes out of them,their fur feels nice and toasty.
-sweaters
-faith
-M's husband saying he will keep trying and that we can pray together,and he will keep trying to talk to M and his son.
-healing
-social media
-this cool new app i found that teaches you different languages. you can literally learn as much as you want and choose based on that level.
-seeing the law of attraction at work.i literally seen a youtube episode talking about a girl who was kicked out and it was so funny because it just FELT very loa to me. I see I am creating my reality,i just need to step outside myself and make some tweaks. I know I can do it. I think silence may be the key.
-my beauty
-coffee
-sprinkles
-blankets
-having a kind heart

[buttercup]

today was kind of weird. I slept all day for some reason,a deep sleep and woke up very late having missed my phone appointment with a psychic to talk about T cat so I had to reschedule. I felt better,stronger today but there was just a weird quietness to the house. maybe it was just how i felt,then maybe that's all of reality.
-feeling better and stronger today
-having more money in my account then i thought
-unintentionally taking a break from facebook and realizing it had some benefit actually.i plan to take a full internet break but it probably won't be until next week. the power of silence/detachment mesmerizes me.
-having the great idea of buying a giftcard to the restaurant M loves to go to for me,M and her husband to all go out
-adding money to a few of my savings
-bonding with t kitten today
-all my outdoor cats
-cat cuddles
-nightskies
-doing some more shopping and buying a cool top i liked
-twitter
-laughing
-soda
-sweets
-music
-feeling confident in my ability to change things
-my phone
-dinner
-great designs
-my eyesight
-entertainment
-trying to remember the feeling and memories of when i felt powerful and manifested easily
-the internet
-after meditating last night,deciding to write M a letter as one of the next thing i'm going to do
-meditation and how amazingly powerful and healing it
-reassurances
-learning
-serendipity
-nourishment
-that i work tomorrow
-comfort
-empathy
-kindness
-instagram
-camel pose. my current favorite right now.i love how heart opening this one is.
-deep cleansing breaths
-getting some packages in the mail
-being smart
-getting the certificate for the last course i had been studying for
-the language learning app i've been using.
-doing some cleaning in my room
-connection
-inner belief in self
-positivity
-positive inner knowings
-smiling
-being productive
-nonconformity
-my ambition
-the escentric 02 perfume i felt drawn to put on last night and ended up really enjoying even though typically that one is my last favorite
-my teddy bear hair brush
-my hair
-my beauty
-my eyeglasses
-inspiration
-chlorophyll
-desipramine

[buttercup]

in some ways the day was weird,in other ways normal..i woke up late and M was just arriving as I was feeding the cats. She asks me a question in such a normal voice tone that I find it incredibly icy. And,then all besides that,there's this hard tension like I don't know what I can say anymore. To me,she is literally playing cards with the devil. I was positive for most of the day,reciting affirmations calmly in my mind and trying to embrace gratitude,being silent and being in the moment for little moments throughout the day. I had antsiness when M's husband took awhile to get back to me despite it being normal for him to be like that. I remembered that the things i'm doing on a day like today,are growing for me,and do still give me a little anxiety. I felt anger later on again towards M thinking about how hard I have been working and how much progress I have made. I popped a couple inderal towards the end of the day to calm myself during work from anxiety. M's son made a promise to me. How forgetful he can be. He promised in that last phone call that no matter what I would always have a place to stay even with his parents. He also forgets he silenced me. It's not like me to never get revenge and to be so passive when someone does awful things to me. How idiotic he is to not have thought of that. If I get kicked out,because of him,I no longer have anything to silence me and it won't be pretty. I was treated disgustingly. I was abused and it's been hard being silent after all that went down. But,i kept my part. All I want is a safe haven so i can heal and trust again. He needs to stop trying to destroy me and to move on and live with his decisions. Him and his girlfriend have been high on power and need to be taken down a notch and realize they can't bully others to get whatever they want. He plays with dark energy. She is high on power because she feels good about herself for having in her mind "won" a guy by taking him away from his wife,and then his sick best friend he had known for over a decade. Combine that with his law of attraction knowledge. I'm taking my power back. He is so different from how he used to be. The way his parents even describe him..they make it sound like he is so disrespectful. He never used to be like that. He used to always be the polite,obediant to his parents. I heard today from M's husband that she had bad dreams,today too(I had another nightmare). I wondered what they were about but he only said one was about his brother. Sometimes,from time to time when I am alone,I actually do get worried someone from where he lives now is going to try to kill me. I know that sounds crazy but he has changed and is darker now and with a bad crowd and this girlfriend sounds too psychotically obsessed with me to the point of creepy. But,I'm done. I'm taking my power back. Sometimes this all sounds like a dark soap opera but they are idiots and i'm ready to rise above them like i am already am
-art for healing.
-makeup
-staying strong and getting my job done. i think right now,it's just about letting these first few days pass while shifting my vibe a little and then things will start to change,and get easier,and easier again.
-meditating tonight. so far,i've been keeping up with meditating every other day.
-cleaning the top of my desk and putting my clothes away
-my heart chakra spray
-deciding to take my power back and feeling it within
-leggings
-chips
-yoga
-physical exercise
-music
-art
-expression
-connection
-helpful people
-friendly people
-affirmations
-quiet
-calmness
-using this as a mantra for the past day-ish "stop weaving and watch how the pattern improves." rumi took me some time to really grasp that and now i do
-remembering i can change the story at any moment.
-the escentric 02 perfume i've been wearing
-all my outdoor cats
-love
-deciding to get a collar for T kitten and H cat as well after getting a hunch,to.i got a triangle pattern for T kitten and peacock print for H
-self compassion
-my beauty
-my bed
-blankets
-sweaters
-night skies
-playing around on a couple dating apps...i used to be so against them but after all the fear the other day,i joined a few and so far haven't deleted them..usually when i do something like that,i delete them super quickly. I think one key is not taking them seriously and thinking of them as chances to make friends and just meet new people. so far,i like bumble app the best.
-coffee
-water
-kindness
-social media
-pictures
-tea
-relaxation
-deep cleansing breaths
-slowness
-entertainment
-talent
-another possible job confirmation today
-people who want to work with me
-inspiration
-uniqueness
-trees
-having nice curves
-style
-that it didnt rain today
-having money