GRATITUDE LIST

[buttercup]

-getting a chemical peel today and doing the neck upgrade add-on
-ride-sharing services
-people to talk to
-confirming a job today
-having a good dream this morning. this guy i met in 2013 i seen again in august and worked with who i had found attractive kissed me on the forehead. this was one of those dreams that had feeling,too which is rare for me.i felt good in the dream. satiated. fulfilled.
-staying strong. some moments of the day are harder. but there's things that inspire me and help me to remain motivated and believe in myself. i've been sick a lot the last two weeks since things got intense,most days i have headaches,stomach aches,and heart pains. i feel like my chakras are out of whack and today even my ear bothered me again. my body has been so tense. sometimes i worry if i have a physical health problem. i took only 2 xanax today to try and cut down and see if i can take less on some days that why i have more on other days i need more.
-my style
-naps.
-accomplishments
-helpful people
-friendly people
-getting one of my articles complete today finally,and having things flow a little more tonight while working on it
-seeing things come together
-snacks
-water
-self compassion
-my outdoor cats
-hope
-great articles online
-being smart
-goals
-reminding myself one day at a time
-getting a little cleaning and organizing done
-compliments
-being told i have nice skin that looks young
-being social
-art
-the internet
-deep cleansing breaths
-nonconformity
-adding bigger chunks to my long-term savings
-fashion
-weight going down
-my to-do list notebook
-my intelligence
-remembering the law of attraction
-trusting life
-yoga
-hip openers
-things to smile about
-gin gins
-sunshine

[buttercup]

Nightmares and panics are lessening,at least in intensity and physically am starting to feel better but still crazy stressed. V is out of the picture now. He is the uber driver with a sky-diving company who asked for my phone number who i had found attractive before he did and he seemed nice,and polite but then after didn't think i was interested. He also seemed clingy possibly,and i kinda blew him off. Then,decided to start to be open to him and consider maybe going out with him once just to see what happens and he just started to seem like a jerk then. And,so now before that even happening w have parted ways. In the week of texting since he me deciding to be open,things just weren't flowing and he didn't seem as nice,and seemed like he might be the jealous,machismo type and reminded me of traits an abusive ex. I don't think he would be like that,and it's probably that they are both similar culture that is bringing me that reminsence but still. Regardless,i am frustrated that another is not working out. I am trying to go with the flow,enjoy the process but i just wanted to go on a stupid date this time and it didnt even make it that far. Things flow with Maryland guy,and i feel like he is perfect for me and that if he was here,we would be together. things with us stay very casual. which is probably for the best.i want to enjoy that slowness and maybe it's all in my head that he would be perfect for me and the one. regardless,he sends me pics of animals and vegan things when he finds out im an animal lover,and V makes jokes about hunting Bambi in the middle of the night...
-ice cold water
-meeting a friend for lunch
-being social
-my boss saying she thinks i'm ready for team lead positions today
-working with someone very funny today who kept me laughing the whole shift. he also played hero to some girl who was getting harassed by a drunk guy who had harassed us at first which was cute to watch. i feel like you don't see that much these days.
-seeing my T cat a few minutes ago. hadn't seen him all day
-my outdoor cats
-my style
-great uber deals all day
-laughing at life at all the weird things that happened today.
-makeup
-naps
-sleep
-nightskies
-my intelligence
-getting my haircut yesterday
-inspiration
-openness
-prayer

[buttercup]

-vegan cheese
-chipotle
-ice cold water
-meditating today. so good. highlight of the day.
-writing a new intention list
-seeing T cat tonight after not seeing him all day just laying on the new bed i bought today for the cats yawning like a little lion king. i asked who does he think he is for being gone all day.
-deciding to buy a new cat bed and another collar for T cat today at the store
-getting my pillow of S kitten yesterday
-getting the catnip seeds today finally
-feeling physically healthier
-going for a bike ride today
-sunshine
-naps
-sleep
-my intelligence
-talking to S some more today. i feel a build up between us,as if more and more i notice him suggesting us ways to see each other and since we met we have managed to keep in contact consistently
-patience
-practicing driving a little today
-organizing jewelry box
-nightskies
-feeling calmer and more pragmatic in some ways about things
-prayer
-doing some reading of current book then a few pages of elle magazine
-having nice teeth
-making my bed
-deep cleansing breaths
-my hypnosis audios
-losing weight
-my body becoming more toned
-stretches
-text messages and texting
-goals
-motivation

[buttercup]

-that i met S this summer
-that looking back,i actually had a not too bad summer
-self compassion
-cuddles with T cat
-cuddles with L kitten
-L kitten mysteriously coming into our life this summer
-going for a one hour bike ride today
-sleep
-naps
-that M's husband will take me to get white pants for a job i have coming up
-trying to wear more of my clothes i havent worn yet just to mix it up
-skipping soda yesterday
-S texting me today
-listening to my hypnosis audios today
-stretches
-physical exercise
-calmness
-getting my savings account to 50% more then what it was 10 days ago. which is still not a lot but thats half doubling it. I like setting goals like that,exceeding them and then going up,and up. i find it to be a pragmatic way to get good with money.
-water
-seeing an apartment on my bike route a few blocks from where i'm at now saying for rent,so stopping to put the number in my phone
-being attractive
-getting more comfortable in my body
-sunshine and warm weather today
-deep cleansing breaths
-doing some organizing
-fashion
-giving in and getting the black hoodie i had my eye on. i have too many colors for outerwear and wanted a dark.
-getting my silver windbreaker in the mail
-water
-nightskies
-feeling better about myself in ways
-calming thoughts
-having cute teeth
-friendship
-taking things one day at a time
-positive thoughts/mantras
-feeling much better physically
-becoming stronger
-kind people
-my outdoor cats
-cuteness
-memories of happy moments and all that i've accomplished

[buttercup]

-feeling like S and I are starting to talk to each other more often. The other day,i almost felt like a beneath the surface intuitive surge of things coming closer. I like him a lot,but here i hardly know him. We talked for like 5 minutes twice and once he hugged me that 2nd time and ever since then we text consistently but very casually and I just don't know what to think now. I get serendipity about him and everytime i let go of him in my mind or have a bad day/bad moment,he suddenly texts me. He brought up me going to D.C today and I thought gosh,that's crazy to go all the way there for someone i only seen in person twice for 5 minutes. Even what he looks like is becoming a slight blur. And,I realized that's how he must feel about coming to my city. It is crazy,at least for where we are at currently in knowing each other. Maybe if we texted everyday,or had some phone calls,or had spent a whole day together when we had met. This girl today made me think I need to accelerate things with him because she,too had a Maryland(literally from Maryland,too) but she lost him because she let things take too long. But,I have to follow my heart. I did text him after work because of what she said and it was fine,he doesnt seem to play games,but i feel i'm meant to take this slow. I just don't know how to let things get just a little accelerated,though. I do feel though,intuitively that surge as if things are about to become more in some way,i don't know what exactly.
-today was stressful. a work contact/acqutaince wants to pull the piece now because she is getting frustrated about something I have to clean up the mess on. I guess she doesnt like my honesty and she said she is putting her foot down and pulling the piece. I said fine do what you have to do.I hate my city. I'm very anxious about money these days and to have to fix someone's errors is an expense that I don't need. Later,I cancelled on a friend i was going to meet with but I felt tired and was in a bad mood plus my money is so low that going anywhere is stressing me out right now. He seemed weird then just didnt respond. Then,i wanted to cuddle with my cats,but they all wanted to be outside.I found out the other day staying with my dad temporarily isn't an option because i cant bring my cats and he'd want me to pay rent and it'd already be an expense as it is living so far away. Itd be one thing if my cats could come,but overall the deal has no benefit to me whatsoever so that option is officially ruled out. Overall,im grateful for my strength.
-M's husband putting some money into my account.
-opportunities
-compliments. today,a co-worker said i seem like i'd do yoga or meditation because i have a calm aura.
-naps and sleep
-water
-lorazapam. this seems to be the winner for me with best anxiety med
-deep cleansing breaths
-the weight i've lost
-makeup
-getting my adidas hoodie in the mail. good choice going with that one.
-all the upcoming work i have
-my cat pillows
-smiling
-inspiration

[buttercup]

S and I have been talking more. Though,he is also becoming more and more perplexing. I wouldn't even think he likes me at this point. I can't figure him out.I think he was checking on me today with his text because i told him about a weird,freak incident with a co-worker of mine last night. He's said he thought upon meeting me i was nice and goofy were his impressions. Goofy? Trying really hard to hold that in and not be offended. The other day i said san francisco seemed perfect place for him to live,which made sense based on what he said and he said no his bad psychic reading skills must be rubbing off on me. Today,he said something,and i said wow,we are so much alike and he said no,he thinks we are opposites and named a few ways how including coming up with that i'm impatient and he's very patient. where has he gotten that from that im impatient? And,that he is very much a skeptic and im very spiritual and my rumi book gave me away. He's seemed different lately. As if he's letting down barriers and being more free or he is moody and has things on his mind or is going through something. idk,but it's an interesting stage in our development.
-that S and I have been talking more often
-soup
-ice cold water
-a nice sunshine-y day
-laying out in the sun for a bit
-going for a bike ride today
-coffee
-cuddling with L kitten for a bit
-seeing T cat today
-all my outdoor cats. E cat has been meowing at me lowly when i greet him these days
-feeling more calmer,grounded,and positive lately
-M and her husband in the yard just lounging and talking to M for a few minutes casually when her husband went inside
-losing weight
-getting paperwork sent in
-all the job bookings
-the trade-ins i made for some beauty vouchers i had
-how great my eyebrows look
-naps
-my beauty
-my hypnosis audios
-sleep
-laughter
-yoga pants
-organizing
-blankets
-music
-how much i've grown as a person since ex best friend dropped me out of his life

[buttercup]

-that S and I have gotten a little closer.i think that's what it was that was going on that felt peculiar.
-that it feels like summer
-running into people from my past today
-sunshine
-coffee
-getting a ride to work
-one of the people i recognized making a big deal of me being a "first career" and bringing up a mural thing he said he seen me in a few years ago that i've yet to see. he was actually more attractive in person. i had only ever conversed with him online in facebook before and we were facebook acquintances and he had always been nice to me and genuine.
-becoming more independent
-seeing my T cat. he keeps showing up like no big deal after not seeing him all day.
-my beauty
-makeup
-naps
-waking up on time for work
-getting my black adidas hoodie in the mail
-my dolce&gabbana sunglasses
-my weight loss
-uber
-food
-ice cold water
-new experiences
-doing some more oranizing
-feeling calmer and more grounded
-hyaluronic acid
-doing some reading today
-listening to some of my hypnosis audios today
-dimmer lights
-the internet
-feeling attractive
-wrist stretches
-hip openers
-lorazapam
-friendliness
-nourishment
-lavender
-ashwagandha
-people to text
-letting go easier
-deep cleansing breaths
-positive affirmations

[buttercup]

-S
-lavender
-my adidas hoodie
-my style
-compliments
-makeup
-water
-getting in a bike ride today
-lounging in the sun for a bit this afternoon
-friendliness
-fashion
-naps
-yoga
-deep cleansing breaths
-feeling more calm and grounded
-art
-my creativity
-inspirations
-being productive today
-finishing up the article i was working on
-listening to my hypnosis audios this morning
-coffee
-lorazapam
-celexa
-deep cleansing breaths
-cuteness
-chocolate
-getting skinnier
-smiling
-E cat meowing at me lately
-cuddling with my T cat today
-cuddling with L kitten
-all my outdoor cats
-all the cats i care for
-the internet
-entertainment
-freedom
-my phone
-relaxation
-warm showers
-blankets

[buttercup]

-sleep
-naps
-waking up on time and going to my doctor appointment despite all the hustle and bustle of last minute changes and getting my bloodwork done
-summery weather
-cookies
-cold beverages
-getting long term savings to $200
-chipotle
-going for a bike ride
-insurance providing free transportation to medical appointments
-uber
-losing weight
-docusign
-music
-meditation
-my black hoodie
-T cat
-all my outdoor cats
-motivation
-more jobs getting confirmed
-getting more cleaning done

[buttercup]

-fashion
-my style
-my beauty
-my intelligence
-compliments
-water
-new experiences
-growing as a person
-meeting interesting people
-inspiration
-meditation
-naps
-getting a ride home from work today
-smiling
-prayer
-getting a $20 check in the mail today
-feeling in a better mood today
-lorazapam
-getting my new book in the mail
-doing some reading of my new book and of elle magazine
-my hypnosis audios
-prayer
-uber
-great lighting
-seeing my cat more today
-cuddling with cats
-my body getting stronger
-stretches
-skygazing
-waking up on time for work
-being productive after work despite being tired