URGENT help needed PLEASE

lilao · 4th September 2007, 02:55 PM

thank you CFTraveler and Star! No i feel no harshness in your words, you are trying to help and you are right about many things.

it is hard to realise i am draining him from his power. it has to stop!!! please let me know how... i might have even been in a similar relationship with my own mother. it is hard...

yes, i was in a way "testing" him, but i no longer want to - but things seem to be less and less in my control!

painful episodes and the scareist thing - i was left already once by my fiance before the wedding (took me seven years to recover), maybe because he saw more clearly than my present boyfriend that i am an impossible person to live with. but i was a difficult child, so the real "root" episode lies probably in the past lives.

yes, i read Tolle's book... and i will be opening the ACIM again. but understanding of the things how they are is not enough in my case.

self-forgivenes? i wish i could do that.

CFTraveler, thank you for your prayers... and Star, thank you for an attempt to help me (i felt little tingling around throat area two or three hours ago - maybe it was you?)- I am a bit calmer now...

lilao · 4th September 2007, 03:07 PM

..and i just wanted to add that i do believe also that the healing must take place from within. traditional psychotherapy would hardly help.. but i tried regular meditations and sedona method as a way to help myself, for a year - and ended up only in an isolation and with even more pain and self-loathing then before.

have to undergo a radical change, that much is clear. it is scary. does it all have to be so hard?

lilao · 6th September 2007, 07:29 PM

CFTraveler, Star - thank you both for trying to help! i do feel better because i have enough energy to say NO to the disturbing negative thoughts! i recognised the voice that keeps telling me "oh i am feeling soo terrible" long time ago, but had no power to resist it... and this couple of days i can! feels great.... this new power has to stay!!! thanks again...

**CFTraveler** · 6th September 2007, 08:09 PM

Well, here's some more:

Originally Posted by lilao

painful episodes and the scareist thing - i was left already once by my fiance before the wedding (took me seven years to recover), maybe because he saw more clearly than my present boyfriend that i am an impossible person to live with. but i was a difficult child, so the real "root" episode lies probably in the past lives.

Well, this sentence here tells me what your real problem is, and it is not that you're 'impossible to live with'. The fact that you are saying 'I was a difficult child' tells me that you are faulting yourself for something that was obviously not your fault. You see, there is no such thing as a 'difficult child', only a "parent that doesn't understand/is not equipped to handle a child", and so blames the child. It seems to me you were programmed from childhood to believe that you were defective, and at some point you started to believe this.
I can tell you right know that you will never have a healthy relationship with anyone if you persist in this false belief. You are blaming yourself that everything is your fault, and even from 'way over here' I can tell that this is not true, that you are trying to improve your life and you have the best interests of everyone around you at heart.
This tells me you are a loving, compassionate person, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to improve yourself- but don't mistake self-improvement with the idea that you are trying to 'repair' yourself. I can also see that you are rejecting analysis because you are not ready to discover what exactly was done to you that made you have such a low opinion of yourself. I only hope and pray that you find someone that can give you some much needed effective therapy, to finally realize that there is nothing wrong with you, that your fiance left you because of his inability to be in a commited relationship with you, and that by incessantly testing your bf all you are doing is attempting to prove that you are as defective as you seem to believe you are.
So my question is, what do you have to lose if you realize that you are a Perfect Child of God, and that there is Nothing Wrong with you, and that your bf is privileged to be with you, and that your behavior is something that can be changed once you realize that it is no longer needed, because it's no longer protecting you from anything?
Please don't respond to me- Please just think about this, and pray to God for your own understanding of your innate divinity, and forgive me for presuming too much.

**ButterflyWoman** · 7th September 2007, 12:44 AM

You know, my mother insisted that I was a "problem child" and that all my issues in this life were from past lives, and she made me very aware that I was, to her, a burden, useless, worthless, more trouble than I was worth, etc. etc.

Guess what? I wasn't a problem child. The problem was mostly HER. And the past life issues, well I do think there are some, but I've recently found that in one particular unhappy other life, she was a major player (and she was just the same then as she is now; I came to her this time to take back my power). And I was never useless, worthless, or any of the other horrible things she claimed I was. That was all just her twisted perspective and her pain and her intention...

I used to have all those voices in my head telling me I was worthless and useless and more trouble than I was worth and impossible to live with and every other nasty thing she ever said to me, so I understand completely about those.

I would actually recommend that you continue with the soul searching and counselling (if you're not in counselling, please consider it! It can be very helpful in sorting through these kinds of issues). You probably ARE quite difficult to live with at the moment, and the aggression is hard to deal with for people around you AND for you, but it can be overcome. It can take a while, but it can be overcome. You'll have to be willing to dissect yourself and your life, and that will be painful, but the end result will be so worth it there are no words to describe how much. I quite honestly feel that I'm a totally different person than I used to be, that I've had a complete metamorphosis. I used to be a caterpillar...

You're on the right track. Keep on the medication (since it helps) and keep working toward healing, and don't be afraid to confront memories and issues. Just think of it as cleaning out an infected wound. It'll hurt, but then it'll heal.

Sending you love and positive thoughts and my very genuine compassion.

MysticSage816 · 8th September 2007, 10:26 PM

Hi, I just wanted to say I'll send some prayers too, even though I don't know much about healing

I also want to say, that sometimes it helps just to know that you're not alone in having to deal with problems like this. I've been trying to beat certain issues for a few years now, and I feel like I'm making progress, so don't lose hope! I know you can do it too!

lilao · 9th September 2007, 10:09 AM

thank you!

"I also want to say, that sometimes it helps just to know that you're not alone in having to deal with problems like this" - it really does, even if at the end we have to do the change by ourselves. i am re-opening my ACIM practices and feel like i am coming home...

wish you more progress in dealing with your issues, too!